The United States Air Force has been told to cancel development of its new E-7 Wedgetail Airborne Early Warning Aircraft and the government is exploring an alternative approach taking inspiration from the Peter Jackson Trilogy of Films based on JRR Tolkien's famous novels.
"The Trump Administration plans to replace the famous E-3 AWACS and its well-known dish on the back of the aircraft with something equally distinctive," Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth told a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing yesterday. "The President was told we need a new eye-in-the-sky around Alaska to protect us from Russia and China. As luck would have it, his local TV Station in Mar-a-Lago were showing The Return of the King. Once the Eye of Sauron appeared, The President stopped what he was doing, stared hard, and started doing his happy dance while exclaiming, 'That's what we need, make it happen Hexbar!'"
Workers from the US Geological Survey have already been dispatched to Mount McKinley to investigate the feasibility of turning the famous peak into a facsimile of Barad-dûr from Middle Earth and placing a copy of the 47th President's eye and hairline into a specially-constructed fixture at the summit to act as both early-warning and deterrent to invasion by hostile forces. The engineers assigned are said to be relishing the work, as it makes a change from working out how to update Mount Rushmore to replace Abraham Lincoln with an effigy of Trump's face.
The US Department of Defense said the plans were foolproof to prevent Russian Invasions, provided the Kremlin's methods didn't involve sending a bunch of hobbits walking into the 49th State.
Image: Lockjaw
Following Philip Scofield’s decision to take part in a reality show, in which we watch him struggle to survive on a desert island, there are reports that a number of other alleged dodgy guys have followed suit.
So far Huw Edwards, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R Kelly and Gary Glitter (real name Paul Gadd) have signed up to take part in a similar show, with the aim of rehabilitating their reputations with the public, according to a TV insider.
However, it seems none of them were informed that the others would be present, or that the supply ship wouldn’t be returning after dropping them off on the remote island.
”It’s a sort of creepy Lord of the Flies,” said the programme maker Oliver Matcha. “We feel the public will enjoy seeing these vile men turning on each other in panic, as their supplies dwindle and they face the very real prospect of starvation. I only wish Savile, Harris, Epstein and al Fayed could be there too.
“It’s a bit dark for a weekday evening show, I grant you. To be honest, I think Channel 4 only said yes because they were thinking of Lord of the Rings. But if they’re expecting hobbits, dwarves and magic rings, they’ll be disappointed.
”But the rest of us will get to enjoy the likes of Roman Polanski and Jonathan King scratching each other’s eyes out over half a rotten mango.”
image from pixabay