Dedicated Family Man Sauron Assassinated

Middle-earth was left reeling this week after dedicated family man and industrious tycoon Sauron was reportedly assassinated in a two-pronged attack. The assailants included a cross-dressing soldier and two Hobbits, rumoured to be members of the LGBTQ+ community.

'He was a hero, a defender of free speech and Mordor’s values,” said a grieving spokesperson for his orc constituency. “He may have held some controversial opinions, but that doesn’t condone violence of any kind. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.'

Witnesses describe a chaotic scene outside Barad-dûr, where the attackers reportedly scaled the Dark Tower’s walls using what one observer described as 'suspiciously glittery climbing gear.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Israel bombed Frodo. Did I read that right?

US's New Eye-in-the-Sky Inspired by Lord of the Rings

The United States Air Force has been told to cancel development of its new E-7 Wedgetail Airborne Early Warning Aircraft and the government is exploring an alternative approach taking inspiration from the Peter Jackson Trilogy of Films based on JRR Tolkien's famous novels.

"The Trump Administration plans to replace the famous E-3 AWACS and its well-known dish on the back of the aircraft with something equally distinctive," Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth told a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing yesterday. "The President was told we need a new eye-in-the-sky around Alaska to protect us from Russia and China. As luck would have it, his local TV Station in Mar-a-Lago were showing The Return of the King. Once the Eye of Sauron appeared, The President stopped what he was doing, stared hard, and started doing his happy dance while exclaiming, 'That's what we need, make it happen Hexbar!'"

Workers from the US Geological Survey have already been dispatched to Mount McKinley to investigate the feasibility of turning the famous peak into a facsimile of Barad-dûr from Middle Earth and placing a copy of the 47th President's eye and hairline into a specially-constructed fixture at the summit to act as both early-warning and deterrent to invasion by hostile forces. The engineers assigned are said to be relishing the work, as it makes a change from working out how to update Mount Rushmore to replace Abraham Lincoln with an effigy of Trump's face.

The US Department of Defense said the plans were foolproof to prevent Russian Invasions, provided the Kremlin's methods didn't involve sending a bunch of hobbits walking into the 49th State.

Image: Lockjaw

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