Man City lead Premiership on hearings

Despite being only six games into the season, Man City have opened up an impressive gap between themselves and the other cheats. Even on court cases, for and against, Man City are set to win the league...and then get relegated four divisions, for breaking fair-play rules.

Using their formation of three at the back and eight in tax havens, the team have outplayed everyone when it comes to being sketchy. Their fluid grasp of accountancy and free-flowing use of bungs, has mesmerised HMRC.

115 hearings ahead, Man City are guaranteed to get into Europe via a Swiss bank account, and then on to the Cayman Islands. The Premiership warned: 'The only penalties awarded this season will be financial.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Wokerati outraged at Man City decision to only play fit and thin footballers

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Kwarteng to save the economy by playing Haaland

Rapidly running out of ideas, the Chancellor has decided to adopt the tactics of every lazy fantasy football manager. 'Haaland is going to net me 30 goals a season, which is a net gain - literally. By harnessing his electric pace, we can also solve the energy crisis at the same time.'

An aide explained: 'Rather than give the super rich tax breaks, all millionaires will be entitled to a twenty minute piggy back, on Erling's strong Nordic shoulders. Struggling to pay your bills? Just say the word and Erlin will thump your mortgage advisor.'

The Chancellor assured people that 80% of the economy could be powered by Haaland merchandise and the other 20% by the kinetic energy of Man Utd fans running for cover. Whatever the problem, Haaland is the solution (unless, of course, you are Harry Maguire).