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Kwarteng to save the economy by playing Haaland

Rapidly running out of ideas, the Chancellor has decided to adopt the tactics of every lazy fantasy football manager. 'Haaland is going to net me 30 goals a season, which is a net gain - literally. By harnessing his electric pace, we can also solve the energy crisis at the same time.'

An aide explained: 'Rather than give the super rich tax breaks, all millionaires will be entitled to a twenty minute piggy back, on Erling's strong Nordic shoulders. Struggling to pay your bills? Just say the word and Erlin will thump your mortgage advisor.'

The Chancellor assured people that 80% of the economy could be powered by Haaland merchandise and the other 20% by the kinetic energy of Man Utd fans running for cover. Whatever the problem, Haaland is the solution (unless, of course, you are Harry Maguire).

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