Kwasi Kwarteng | NewsBiscuit

Truss dumped Kwarteng with “It’s not you, it’s me” text message

SimonJMr

Oct 19

KK - hey how you doing - get the friends reference Liz?

LT - yes Kwasi but not doing well hun

KK - what’s up hun

LT - you know you're my BAE? But it’s not you it’s me - I’m don’t know how to say this

KK - What

LT - I’m going to have to get a new Money man

KK - what do you mean

LT - It’s over Kwasi, can you give back the keys to number 11

KK - Please Liz, please don’t dump me - I’ve only just got back from New York to be specially by your side, I didn’t get a chance to do any Christmas shopping, visit the Friends building, hell I didn’t even get a chance to meet Tom Cruise at the IMF thingy you sent me to. All I got was boring economic talk. Please give me another chance. Pretty Pretty PLEASE.

LT - sorry it’s you or me, and this time it’s you and I’m seeing Jeremy now.

KK - Noooooooooooo

www.newsbiscuit.com

Whatsapp Icon - Free photo on Pixabay

First published 19 Oct 2022

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Kwarteng 'gutted' to be overlooked for Nobel economics prize

apepper

Oct 10

Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reportedly furious about being overlooked for the Nobel Prize for Economics.

A spokesman for Kwarteng said 'Kwasi is very disappointed. What did Ben Bernanke, Douglas Diamond and Philip Dybvig actually work on? Financial crises and how not to prolong them? Pah, without people like Kwasi, what would they have to study? Now, the Nobel Peace prize winner has yet to be announced; before peace, there has to be a war right? Now, that's an idea. He's only been in the job 5 minutes and he's already helped cause a Tory party civil war.'

First published 10 Oct 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

NASA scientists to smash next probe into Kwasi Kwarteng head

Gerontius

Oct 2

Following the success of their asteroid smashing experiment, controllers based at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (JHU-APL) say they will now turn their attention to the rock-like substance that lies between Kwasi Kwarteng’s ears.

Space agency executive Dr. Doris Glazier admitted they were not sure if the Kwarteng impact would be as successful as the deep space collision, but they would at least give it a go.

‘The DART probe only had to travel seven million miles to reach its destination before smashing into the asteroid.

It sounds impressive, but Kwarteng inhabits a totally different solar system to the rest of us and we’re not entirely sure if he can be reached.

And as his mini-budget showed, Kwarteng’s brain is thicker than any space rock known to man.

DART was travelling at 15,000 mph when it crashed into the asteroid, but we’re not sure if that would have any significant impact on the rubble found inside the Chancellor’s brain.

But we have to try; we need to find something to make him change direction. The asteroid rocket may be our only chance’.

Observers say Mr Kwarteng’s policies could bring about the death of the last remaining dinosaurs on Earth, or the Tory party as they are more commonly known here in the UK.

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 2 Oct 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Back to Top