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Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate


'Nigel wasn't surprised when Labour pulled out of the by-election,' said a Reform spokesman.


'The Tories chickening out was a no-brainer,' he said, 'because we hold the brains of the Tory party here,' said, admitting that Lee wasn't included.  Nor Suella, to be fair. 'And don't draw any conclusions about Honest Bob until after the NCA ivestigation,' he added.


'We thoroughly expected the Lib Dems to refuse to stand.  Nobody in Clacton wants to care about people, that's why they voted for Nigel.  And don't bother sending Zack around, this is hardly Brighton,' he ranted.


'But pitting a joke candidate up, that is beyond the pale,' he said, holding up a picture of Lawrence Fox.  'A bin, sure, bring it on.  Nigel will stub his cigar on him, but Fox?


'What a joke'.


image from grok


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Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy


Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.


Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'


Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.


Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.




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First published 6 Jul 2022


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Popcorn shortages as nation sits back to watch Tories implode



Britain has an eerie, deserted feel as people increasingly stay home to scroll through social media for the latest catastrophe to befall the Conservative Party. Sales of popcorn are at an all-time high, leaving cinemas depleted of their favourite snack.


'I felt a bit ghoulish waiting for news of that submarine’, said one former Conservative voter, ‘but it's nothing compared to what's happening to the Tories. Maybe they’ll get lucky and it’ll be a sudden catastrophic death, eh?’


The bookies have stopped taking bets on the outcome of the next General Election but they’re doing a roaring trade predicting which catastrophic event will act as the coup de grace. Odds below:


Boris Johnson arrested – 1/10


Fraud Squad investigate PPE procurements; Minister claims money was just ‘resting in his account’ – Evens


Rishi Sunak has nervous breakdown live on air and shoves pencils up his nose – 3/2


Suella Braverman experiences ‘will of the British people’ and finds herself stranded in Rwanda – 2/1


It isn’t all bad news. The team which brought us The Crown has started work on The Clown, an account of the last few years at 10 Downing Street. ‘It has all the intrigue and drama of the Royal Family but none of the class’, a spokesman said. ‘We’re having a lot of fun casting people as Nadine, Jacob and of course Boris. Episode 7 – working title: Bunga-Bunga – will knock your socks off’.


Conservative Central HQ looked much the same as ever, apart from a 'Do Not Resuscitate' notice which has been pinned to the front door.


image from pixabay



First published 3 Jul 2023


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