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Computer hacker 'spoofs' Conservative Party 1922 Committee inbox




A devious computer hacker has set up an account called VoteOfNoConfidence@1922_Committee.co.uk which looks all genuine and everything. Known in hackerworld as a 'spoof', Conservative politicians have been duped into submitting their votes of no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson to this email address.


'Tories are notoriously lazy,' said the unnamed hacker. 'They just can't be arsed to do anything for anyone else, never mind follow the official submission process of delivering a printed letter on officially headed paper by hand to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee on bended knee with bowed head while revealing a nipple and tickling his exposed testicle.'


'What I have done is create a method which is so simple and easy to do that even self-absorbed right-wing MPs might actually get around to it, rather than staving off doing anything by insisting they need to wait for the results of Sue Gray's next urine test.


'The account only required 54 votes of no confidence, but there were already over 300 in there this morning. The best bit is that Boris Johnson has been constantly badgering the Chairman about the numbers; they are both certain it's only 2 and there's nothing to worry about, but Johnson is spaff up the wall when I reveal the true amount.'




First published 27 May 2022


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10 Reasons to vote Conservative – Number 4 will shock you!



1) Diversity in Prime Ministers, don’t just vote for Another-White-Man, we have incompetent leaders of different genders and races


2) Experience in Prime Ministers, we have had five different Prime Ministers within the last 8 years and Labour haven’t had one since 2010, that’s the “I Got a Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas time period


3) Responsibility – the decent British mentality of if you broke it, you fix it. We wouldn’t want to leave all the problems we caused for someone else to clean up.


4) If you don’t, we will kill a puppy every hour, on the hour


5) You fear change. Change is bad and scary, stick with what you know, unless what you know is a union of European countries.


6) Blue Passports – You’re welcome


7) Trade deal with Peru – can’t you feel the sovereignty?


8) Availability of Food Banks – so many new ones are opening all the time


9) An aim to reduce some of the faecal matter in some of the waterways – achievable goals!


10) New Hospitals! New School Roofs! Dental care! We want them too and have already got private versions. None for you. Soz.




First published 24 May 2024


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LibDems to provide ‘wilderness survival’ training to Tory MPs



‘Thirty years ago the LibDems were a proper political party’ said Steve, a Liberal Democrat from Stoke. ‘People weren’t embarrassed to say they were LibDems. We had a decent number of MPs. I think we even had some policies. You could get laid – ok, we were 3rd choice but at least we were in the running’.


That all seems like a distant dream. Giant pandas have more sex than LibDems now – which is ironic, given that the cause of their demise was the colossal shafting which David Cameron gave to Nick Clegg over tuition fees. (The LibDems' demise, not the pandas).


‘We can’t bring back the good old days but we can teach Conservatives how to cling on to the wreckage’, said Steve. ‘Maybe one day they’ll seem relevant again’.


It’s hard to imagine a future world where Conservatism might seem relevant – unless you’re a dystopian novelist or a zombie fan - but Steve is upbeat.


‘We start by showing delegates how to apply for a job. In many cases it’s the first real job they’ll have had. We have to explain quite basic concepts, like turn up on time, don’t talk over the boss, don’t patronise, don’t shag everybody you see, produce some tangible output. That’s the hardest part, really. If you ask them to, I dunno, fix a toaster they’ll do jack shit and then tell you that their toasters are world-beating – when the bloody thing still doesn’t work. If “clueless fantasist” was an actual job this would be a lot easier.


'Resilience is important, too. We try to prepare them for anonymity – I know LibDems, ex-MPs, who can’t get automatic doors to open. They just stand there, waving, while normal people walk up and the doors open – it’s incredibly frustrating. You know how people in cars pick their noses because they think they’re invisible? Liberal Democrats actually are invisible – we could clean out our arse cracks on the high street without being spotted’.


Is there much demand for Steve’s services?


‘Not yet’, he tells us. ‘They imagine they’ll be able to get work with GB News. As if. One minute after the election that plug will be pulled. And those directorships only happen if there’s a possibility you might return and be able to repay the favour. It’s slow now but I think we’re going to be busy next year. Very busy. Now if I can only persuade this f*cking door to open so I can get in to the office . . . ‘


image from pixabay



First published 20 May 2023


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