Crystal Palace stripped of FA Cup

The Football Association has taken the FA Cup back from previous holders Crystal Palace after what is being called ‘an embarrassment to the brand’. The FA have taken this unprecedented step due to the biggest FA Cup shock ever in the history of the oldest and most prestigious football cup competition in the world.

Macclesfield FC of the National League North are 117 places below Crystal Palace but soundly and deservedly beat them 2-1. Although many football fans found this very, very funny, the FA were not amused.

A spokesblazer explained, ‘We expect the FA Cup holders to be ambassadors for the competition, maintaining the highest standards of football artistry and entertainment, while heartlessly despatching lower league opponents so the prize money stays with the top teams. Crystal Palace dragging Macclesfield down to their level and then losing to them has caused irreparable damage and embarrassment to the association, so we had to act.’

It is understood that the FA Cup has been awarded to Manchester City instead. Not only were they the defeated finalists due to refereeing incompetence, but they demonstrated how FA Cup holders are expected to thrash smaller clubs, defeating Exeter City 10-1.

The spokesblazer added, ‘Awarding the FA Cup to Manchester City now will probably save a bit of admin in May too.’

'Lucky' England drawn in same World Cup group as the Village People

England manager Thomas Tuchel has rebuffed claims that his side is lucky after being drawn in the same 2026 World Cup group as American 70s disco outfit Village People.

The band brought Friday’s World Cup draw to a close performing their smash hit ‘YMCA’ moments after unexpectedly been drawn to face England in group L next summer. The group is completed by the South-West Region Lidl works team, and the winner of the play-off between Easter Island and the Harlem Globetrotters.

‘There are no easy games in the World Cup’ says Tuchel. ‘Village People may be past their best, but they have a very good youth system, and are always encouraging young players to come along and hang out with all the boys.

‘And, of course, the Lidl works team won the South-West Region League by 4 points. As long as they can keep their star striker ‘Fat Morph’ fit, by which I mean sober, then they could be dangerous. After all, Lidl are a German company, and you know the old saying in football – ‘never write off the Germans, or their discount supermarkets’.'

Meanwhile, Scotland have been drawn in the same group as Brazil, and will face the 5-time winners 3 times over 10 days, with only the group winners going through to the knock-out stages.

‘It's a tough draw’ says Scotland manager Steve Clarke. ‘We had been expecting to be drawn in a group with 3 other teams, but to be in a group with just Brazil, and to have to play them 3 times in 10 days in the soaring heat, is going to be difficult.

‘Before the draw we had hoped we might sneak into the last 32 by being one of the best placed 3rd placed teams, but as there are only 2 teams in the group, that’s going to be quite tricky’.

‘Still stranger things have happened in international football, like Donald Trump being awarded a peace prize by FIFA. What’s next? Is Benjamin Netanyahu going to be presented with the Nobel Prize for Chemistry before the draw for the fourth round of the Carabao Cup?’

Image credit: perchance.org

Nobel and FIFA to swap roles

The worlds of international football and random selection of activity prize-giving have collided and been shaken up with the news that the Nobel Committee and FIFA are going to swap roles from now on.

The Nobel Committee are taking over international football tournaments, starting with the 2026 men's World Cup, but soon to include regional competitions like the European Championships, African Cup of Nations and the Copa America. Nobel has denied that they will grant Norway automatic qualification, at least not for the Copa America.

Meanwhile FIFA are following their innovative award of a Peace Prize to Donald Trump with a Gastronomy prize to be awarded to Luis Suarez, and an Economics prize to Michel Platini.

A spokesdemon denied that awarding a peace prize to Trump would earn FIFA bosses a spot on hell, saying that 'we've been keeping seats warm for everyone on the board of FIFA for years.'

Image credit: perchance.org