That Man City appeal in full

An independent panel has found Manchester City Football Club to be guilty of 115 offences of financial misconduct. The club say that the independent panel is clearly biased, stupid, corrupt and, worst of all, Southern.  They are appealing all the guilty findings.

The club’s case for the defence rests on six key arguments that we found in a bin outside the Etihad Stadium. They are:

  1.  We didn't handle the money inside the penalty area

  2.  A big club did it and ran away

  3.  Andy says we're innocent, and what more do you need?

  4.  The money just started spewing out of ATMs at the ground, so we booked it as revenue.

  5.  The extra money didn't affect the team’s performance

  6.  The money was just resting in our account

City are confident that they can overturn all 115 guilty findings.  A spokesman said, ‘We’ve got the best judges money can buy.’

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VAR exonerates Man City

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First Minister defends World Cup expenses

John Swinney, SNP first Minister of Scotland, today defended his and his staff's almost £100,000 bill for visiting the US to watch Scotland play in the World Cup against Haiti. He pointed out that the trip also included a trade mission to Kentucky.

Although Kentucky is nowhere near Boston, he insisted that he had done no wrong.  'Myself and my team were representing Scotland at the Scotland football match in Boston prior to the trade meeting in Kentucky. I think the fact that Scotland won is testament to the good work that the SNP government does in governing Scotland.'

He was then pressed about the fact that he and his staff travelled business class at a cost of over £45,000 in breach of the government's own travel rules. He responded by saying in a rather huffily manner, 'Well, if we had been allowed to keep our motorhome, it would have been a lot cheaper.'

When asked how the trade mission to Kentucky went, he replied, 'Well, we got a couple of bottles of bourbon as gifts, and very tasty it was too.  After we, er, sampled the bourbon, uhm... we... well, I guess we talked.  And sung.  Yes!  I remember lots of singing.'

Image credit: ChatGPT