After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years. Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up the coveted tickets. (Purchasers are reminded that ticket prices cannot be made public as they are "naturally" classified as top secret under the counter-espionage laws of all participating countries.) For those fair weather fans who can't afford all that, seats at group stage matches will be available on payment of just a single kidney - with both organs required for knockout stage tickets. Fans are permitted to defer the fatal second organ operation until after the match, on provision of a "close family member" as hostage. Some fans have noted that the prices and conditions are slightly different from how they were described in the original North American bid, where it was promised that a maximum price of £1000 for the final (£100 for group stage) or a day's volunteer work at an orphan hedgehog sanctuary would secure seats at any match. However, FIFA officials say that as neither VAR, their Zurich bank managers nor the American authorities have raised any concerns, they are "very happy" that "the beautiful game is safe in our grasping hands". image fom pixabay |
The Chief Executive of Tottenham Hotspur has confirmed the club are in talks with a French stop motion character with a view to becoming their next full time manager.
Majority shareholders ENIC say the as yet unnamed Frenchman, who is currently out of work after leaving his post as a fairground manager is available to take over at Spurs immediately and is considered by the Tottenham board to be the perfect fit to revive the fortunes of the ailing EPL club.
Chief Executive Venus Ventasackem said the new manager has been described as a talking jack-in-a box with magical powers who would appeal to the Spurs fan base who have been crying out for such an appointment since the glory days under Bill Nicholson.
If agreeing to take over at the club it is thought the new manager would want to bring in his own backroom staff, dietician, set piece coach and medical staff.
Rumours that a drop-eared terrier had been seen house hunting with a snail, a cow and a hippy rabbit in north London has triggered rumours about the identity of the mystery manager with some fans speculating on social media that it might be former Spurs favourite David Ginola.
But Ginola denied he had been approached by his old club saying it sounded more like the lunchtime menu at a French truck stop than the back up team of an EPL manager.
Although, considering the last few appointments Tottenham have made Ginola agreed that would be a marked improvement.
image by Grok
As Tottenham Hotspur sacks another manager after six weeks, scientists have speculated that the revolving door through which spent managers are ejected, and new useful idiots lured into the job, could provide an unlimited source of clean energy.
“All electricity generation, from coal to nuclear, is based on getting a magnet to rotate within a coil,” explained a boffin today. “And it just occurred to me that this constantly revolving door at Three Points… sorry, White Hart Lane is a resource we just aren’t using.
”After all, it’s sustainable - there seems to be no shortage of idiots who’ll take the job, no matter how disastrous it was for everyone before them. Long term, I suppose it’s possible Spurs might start to do well and keep their manager for more than a couple of months - but it clearly won’t be in the near future.”
Meanwhile, former Spurs manager Juande Ramos was baffled to receive a letter from his old club including an electricity bill for £10,000.
When he protested it was nothing to do with him, they said “Sorry mate - you were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on.”
image from Grok