Labour's plan to stop the smuggling gangs with co-operatives

Labour have devised a radical plan to stop the smuggling gangs with co-operatives. An anonymous source has shown our reporter a secret internal Labour Party document which outlines an innovative plan to stop the gangs smuggling migrants across the English Channel.

The idea is to undercut the gangs by using traditional socialist methods. Migrants will be encouraged to form their own co-operative societies to facilitate the crossing of the channel. These clubs will source boats, life jackets and essential supplies.

An international association formed from these local groups will produce pamphlets in several languages giving advice on navigation, survival at sea, and how to call the coastguard once the halfway point has been crossed.

The hoped-for effect is that the gangs will find their huge profits have disappeared. If the co-operatives make any profits, they will be reinvested or distributed to members.

A Labour Party spokesman refused to confirm or deny the authenticity of the plan. But he did say that it was important for Labour to stick to its principles whilst in government. 'These violent, capitalist gangs were classic exploiters of poor working class migrants,' he said. 'It was a manifesto commitment to stop the gangs, not the migrants'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Militant feminist campaign group refuses to publish a manifesto

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Labour to Nationalise the Tooth Fairy

With the General Election clearly under Starmers Orders, the main political parties (as well as the Conservatives and Reform UK) are beginning to set out their stalls. Labour have decided that the Tooth Fairy needs to be brought under State control.  'There's no common standard value placed on teeth across the country, with some of the poorer areas limited to replacing displaced milk teeth with a fifty pence piece, while in the Home counties a milk molar left under the pillow is likely to result in a trust fund or crypto shares being left.  There is a real risk that there will be an inflationary impact if the Tooth Fairy rates aren't brought under State Control,' said a Labour spokesman today.

Under the manifesto proposal the Tooth Fairy will be controlled by the government and tooth compensation rates will be nationally agreed by the milk tooth marketing board.  Parents will be able to claim Tooth Fairy payments on receipt of milk teeth, which will be stored in a vault and will be used as a basis for Sterling in lieu of gold.  Parents will be required to provide the government with all milk teeth as they are lost, and agents working for the milk tooth marketing board are to be given powers to enter homes and search mothers' bedside tables for envelopes containing teeth.  

There were other manifesto proposals, but it was agreed that they were just crazy.

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