Just two weeks after schools broke up for the 6-week summer holiday, children across the UK have officially announced that they are ‘bored’.
“I’ve finished Netflix,” reported 12-year-old Alfie Thompson, slumped dramatically across a sofa, his thumbs still twitching from residual Fortnite reflexes. “Mum told me to go outside, but like… to do what? Look at grass?”
Parents across the nation are experiencing déjà vu, and are recalling their own childhood holidays filled with similar levels of existential despair—though notably with fewer devices and more aimless stick-finding.
“It’s uncanny,” said Claire Jenkins, mother of two and veteran of the ‘I’m Bored’ crisis of last summer. “I presented them with a paddling pool, a football, and even suggested visiting Grandma. They said, and I quote, ‘Is she on TikTok?’”
The UK government has issued no official response, but insiders suggest Downing Street may propose emergency boredom relief measures, such as a ‘National Go and Play in the Garden Day’ - an initiative sure to be ignored by 96% of children in favour of ‘just one more YouTube video.’
Meanwhile, grandparents nationwide are preparing to unleash their secret weapon: tales of how they ‘made their own fun’ with only a ball of string and an overactive imagination, a strategy known to have a 0.2% success rate in 2025.
As the crisis deepens, experts warn that by week 3, the nation’s children may reach ‘Peak Boredom’, characterised by spontaneous living room parkour, and repeatedly whining, “Can we go to McDonald’s?”
Meanwhile, the nation’s parents sigh deeply, and add extra alcohol to their online grocery order.
image from pixabay
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First published 30 Jul 2025
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Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier.
During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe.
Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the very best. People all tell me that.
'Without my omnipotence none of this would exist,' enthused Mr Trump as he waved his arms around to indicate all of creation while simultaneously attempting to waft away a mysterious, noxious odour filling the room.
'Yes that's right folks. This White House, Earth, The Cosmos, McDonald's? There'd be none of it If it weren't for me. FACT.'
'I was sent unto mankind to teach him a lesson. He was getting too big for his boots and needed slapping down. Needed to know his place and I have shown him that place. Back row of the cheap seats.'
It is understood worried officials have finally begun a process to remove Trump from office on grounds of mental instability, but upon hearing of the plan he said: 'Oh yeah? Just let 'em try. For verily shall I smite them down from on high if they even think about it.
'And as we sit here waiting for America to be officially declared great again by order of the Supreme Court... do any of you fake news bozos want to buy into my fantastic and beautifully wonderful Trump Crypto Dollars scheme?'