Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier.

During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe.

Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the very best. People all tell me that.

'Without my omnipotence none of this would exist,' enthused Mr Trump as he waved his arms around to indicate all of creation while simultaneously attempting to waft away a mysterious, noxious odour filling the room.

'Yes that's right folks. This White House, Earth, The Cosmos, McDonald's? There'd be none of it If it weren't for me. FACT.'

'I was sent unto mankind to teach him a lesson. He was getting too big for his boots and needed slapping down. Needed to know his place and I have shown him that place. Back row of the cheap seats.'

It is understood worried officials have finally begun a process to remove Trump from office on grounds of mental instability, but upon hearing of the plan he said: 'Oh yeah? Just let 'em try. For verily shall I smite them down from on high if they even think about it.

'And as we sit here waiting for America to be officially declared great again by order of the Supreme Court... do any of you fake news bozos want to buy into my fantastic and beautifully wonderful Trump Crypto Dollars scheme?' 

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked.

Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-up.  Whilst we accept that there is a real dilemma here, in that, while it has been exam board policy to regard the responsibility of teachers and adjudicators as a responsibility of the Exam board, the question of questions policy can cause confusion between the policy of questions and the question of policy, especially when responsibility for the administration of the policy of questions conflicts, or overlaps with, responsibility for the question of the administration of questions. I hope that clears things up".

He added. "Please put you pens down and turn over your papers. Application forms for jobs at McDonalds are available as you leave".

Image credit: Wix AI (edited)

Smoking Banned, Dying Regulated: Please Form an Orderly Queue

Following the historic passage of the Tobacco and Vapes Bill – which promises that anyone born after 2008 will remain as fresh as a dew-covered organic kale leaf – and the Terminally Ill Adults Bill, the government has clarified the new rules on choosing how to shuffle off this mortal coil.

While you are now strictly forbidden from opting for a slow, smoky death via a packet of Lambert & Butler, you are warmly invited to select a quick, dignified one via the NHS – provided, of course, you don’t turn up to the consultation smelling of fags.

Officials insist the two policies are “entirely unrelated” and that any suggestion they form a macabre two-for-one offer is “deeply unhelpful”.

Sir Reginald Ponsonby-Smyth MP (Con) admitted he was “a bit muddled” during the marathon voting session.

'I thought I was voting for the Right to Die for everyone,” he said, “but it turns out I accidentally voted to ban Silk Cut for teenagers. Now I’ve got a constituent who wants to end it all because he can’t get a vape, but the new law says he has to wait until he’s terminally ill from something other than the stress of not being allowed to smoke. It’s a Catch-22. Or is it a Catch-20? I can’t remember – I’ve had a very long lunch.'

We spoke to 17-year-old Jake from Grimsby, who has embraced the legislation in the spirit it was clearly intended.

“I had to bin the strawberry-mojito-unicorn vapes ’cause they’re "dangerous’ or summat” he said, hacking away like a dying lawnmower. 'So now I’ve gone proper onto 40-a-day unfiltered Woodbines I find round the back of the bingo hall. But now I’m gonna have to give them up as well, innit. Dunno what I’ll do next – probably smoke weed or crack, whichever one’s cheaper round here. Bare grim either way.'

A spokesperson for the Ministry for Living Longer Whether You Like It Or Not (MLLWYLION) was keen to stress the elegant simplicity of the new regime.

'It’s very straightforward,' she said. 'We can’t have people going around dying willy-nilly. What if it catches on and everyone starts doing it? Where would we be then? No, we need a nice orderly British death where you wait in a proper queue for your turn. Smoking causes cancer, and cancer leads to death. We cannot have people choosing death via a retail transaction. That’s unregulated. If you want to die, you must do it through the proper channels: smoke-free, ideally after completing a 12-week ‘Healthy Living’ seminar, and with all the correct paperwork in triplicate.'

To sweeten the deal, the government is launching the “Final Choice” Nectar Card. Every salad purchase or government-approved treadmill session earns points towards a 10% discount on your Dignity Clinic departure package. However, one McDonald’s meal voids the entire warranty and triggers an immediate referral to the lifestyle coaching team.

The new Universal Health Pass now monitors every “Sin Purchase”. Buying a pack of bacon triggers an automatic 4am wellness check from a government drone. Ordering a third Big Mac in a month locks your Netflix account to nothing but The Biggest Loser reruns. And betting on the Grand National is only permitted if you’re simultaneously crunching a stick of raw celery to offset the cortisol.

The logical endpoint is the Mandatory Health Incarceration Scheme. Under-20s caught with a cigarette are now being sent to Category A prisons “for their own protection”.

'It’s the safest place for them,' said a Home Office official. 'Once inside, they are completely protected from the dangers of passive smoking and saturated fats. Admittedly, they are becoming addicted to high-strength synthetic spice and have a 40% chance of being shanked over a dispute involving a smuggled KitKat, but from a purely cardiovascular perspective, their stats have never looked better. They’ll leave prison – or be carried out – with the lungs of a marathon runner.'

A government source later added, off the record: “Look, we’re not monsters. We’re just making sure that if you’re going to die, you do it properly. And quietly. In an orderly queue. And after you’ve eaten your five-a-day.”