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Police Commissioner resigns after beating a confession out of herself


The Metropolitan Police spokesperson confirmed: ‘Dame Cressida oversaw a regime of misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment – but sadly all good things have to come to an end. The Prime Minister would like to put on record his thanks to her, for covering up his record and keeping schtum about Jack the Ripper.


‘Sadly, while in police custody, she is said to have repeatedly fallen down a staircase. No witnesses were on hand to see her do it, but she was later found hanging in her cell, next to a full confession for the murders of JFK, Tupac Shakur and BBC Light Entertainment’.


The new Metropolitan Police caution



You have the right to write nothing, but anything you do write may be put through a spell check, Grammarly and used in evidence against you. Anything you do not write, but attempt to use in your defence or in a newspaper article in the future may be used against you. Any misuse of apostrophes may result in prosecution. Do you understand the caution? No, us neither.


Please answer the following questions accurately. By accurately, we mean as we expect them to be answered.


Did you attend any parties/work gatherings in breach of covid regulations? (Y/N)


Did the Prime Minister attend any of the parties/work gatherings you did or did not attend? (Y/N)


Is your Civil Service/Cabinet potential/tenure as head of Metropolitan Police dependant on the Prime Minister? (Y/N/depends on the conversation next time I meet the lying bastard)


Do you have any photographs to back up your answers?


If yes, the Chief Whip/head of the Civil Service/Black Ops personnel will discuss alternative career options/burial plots


If no, please reply to this email.


Signed C Dick (ex Desk Sergeant)




Primark ‘We want kids to be sexy not sexist’



Following sexism accusations, slogans on Primark’s children's t-shirts have been changed.


The boys ones now read ‘The World is Yours, Make the Rules’, ‘Warrior King’, 'Cheer up luv it might never happen', 'Ssh, a man is talking', ‘Lovely jubblies'. The girls equivalents read ‘It's a man's world, I follow the rules’, ‘Damsel in Distress needing rescue’, 'My place is in the kitchen', ‘I hope I’m sexy enough’, 'Votes for women? No thanks!'.


A spokesman for Primark pushed a female colleague aside to say ‘You can’t say anything these days. Although I’m less qualified, I earn 15% more than my female colleagues, because of their hysterical outbursts and fainting fits. My last performance review concluded I was a danger to women, but the Met laughed it off.’


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