Starmer joins hand over of the sausages

Months on from his infamous speech, Sir Keir is adamant that he did not misspeak and that Oct 7th was all about bangers- and not the bomb kind. While Hamas have agreed to release Israeli hostages, Starmer is insistent that the sausages be released first. A spokeswoman for No.10 said: 'Sir Keir has been clear from the start. No sausages. No deal. And yes, he would like some chips with it.'

'It is inconceivable to suggest he said sausages by accident, because he was cynically exploiting a massacre while thinking about breakfast. The PM has always backed the bratwurst. He condemns Hamas, who are probably all vegan anyway.'

'He remembers clearly a string of sausages and being chased by a crocodile. The audience were shouting at him. His wife, Mrs Judy, hit him with a stick and-hold on...yup...yup...it was a dream. Sorry, as you were.'

Action Man to become a proscribed organisation

A spokesman for Hasbro has confirmed the UK government has proscribed Action Man.  'Apparently they are proscribing anything with Action in the title.  Also because we did release a figure with a tea towel for a head covering recently,' he said.  'Probably a coincidence.'

A government spokesman said, 'We are engaging in each and any way to protest using the word Action.  Don't even try writing "Action. Man" either, we're well wise to that.  We have acted quickly to ensure any threat from Action Man is neutered.

A spokeswoman for Barbie commented, 'Neutered  Have you ever looked under his shorts?'

Photo by Thuận Minh on Unsplash

Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Edgar Chronic, 78, is known locally for his life mantra that 'it's a funny old world'. For some reason he stopped using the phrase when the winter fuel allowance was stopped last year and for reasons not fully understood failed to resume laughing after his daughter, Brenda, mentioned that she supported the watered down assisted dying bill.

Experts studying Edgar did discern a flicker of a smile when the US bombed Iran. He was heard to mutter something about everyone getting an assisted death now.

Photo by yerling villalobos on Unsplash