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Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.


'Of course it's for a bomb,' chuckled a spokes-launch site for the Saudi monarchy. 'We're sitting on deep seas of oil and natural gas. Why would we want nuclear material for power stations?


'It's like this. Because Iran is building nuclear weapons, we want the technology to make them too. Then there'll be a nuclear stand-off in the Middle East between two massively brutal and unpredictable regimes.


'That's why every US leader up until now has refused to even think about giving the Saudi regime nuclear technology.


'But you know President Donald. All you have to do is hand over some money and ask.'


'It's another genius Middle East move by our president,' said a White House spokes-dimwit, 'because it means Iran will now go all out and build the atom bomb that it's spent the past 30 years tinkering about with. Then there'll be some actual nuclear warheads there for our military to blow up.'


'They'll make mushrooms clouds like you'd never believe,' crowed the US president, signing his catastrophically dumb deal with Saudi Arabia in the Oval Office. 'So never say I don't put on a show for you.'


'Are you not entertained?'


Image: WixAI



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It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf.


What you do is fire off missiles at Iran in a totally unprovoked attack in tandem with Benjamin 'I'm on trial for corruption' Netanyahu.


When it all comes back on you, you ping wildly from one desperate strategy to another, such as: blockading Iranian shipping; bombing the Iranian coastline; making a peace deal; promising Iran $300bn of someone else's money; lifting sanctions on Iranian oil; cancelling the peace deal; reimposing the sanctions; charging 20% tariffs on shipments leaving the Gulf; bombing Iran again and attacking international shipping.


'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.


'All you have to do is be a sociopathic huckster who landed up in the world's most powerful post with hundreds of billions of dollars of weapons at your disposal, a massively inflated sense of your own abilities and zero knowledge of the Middle East.


'But you don't win any points in this game. Every move made in Trump Middle East pinball is completely pointless.'


Image: WixAI



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The International Maritime Organisation is bringing back Tufty the Squirrel to offer advice to ships' captains as they try and make it through the perilous Strait of Hormuz.


"Look right, look left, then look right ahead," says the iconic cartoon character - the star of British TV road safety films in the 1960s and 1970s - in a series of recent Instagram posts.


"Listen out for the sound of missiles or drones," continues the perky Tufty, "and always tell a grown-up where you're going.


"But not if that grown-up is Donald Trump, because his navy will just hit your vessel with missiles and board it. Or the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps, because they'll set you on fire and sink you.


"On second thoughts," says Tufty, his bushy tail noticeably sagging, "you'd be better off just closing your eyes and making a mad dash to the other side, hoping to hell no one gets you."


Tufty is 65 years-old in going nuts years.

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