Tufty Club offers safety tips for ships crossing the Strait of Hormuz

The International Maritime Organisation is bringing back Tufty the Squirrel to offer advice to ships' captains as they try and make it through the perilous Strait of Hormuz.

"Look right, look left, then look right ahead," says the iconic cartoon character - the star of British TV road safety films in the 1960s and 1970s - in a series of recent Instagram posts.

"Listen out for the sound of missiles or drones," continues the perky Tufty, "and always tell a grown-up where you're going.

"But not if that grown-up is Donald Trump, because his navy will just hit your vessel with missiles and board it. Or the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps, because they'll set you on fire and sink you.

"On second thoughts," says Tufty, his bushy tail noticeably sagging, "you'd be better off just closing your eyes and making a mad dash to the other side, hoping to hell no one gets you."

Tufty is 65 years-old in going nuts years.

New bin rules to include crude oil

Food waste collections are set to require all households to produce 2000 gallons of oil, per fortnight.

The ongoing war in the Middle East has cut the global supply by 5%, meaning British households will need to make up the shortfall by recycling salad dressing and ghee. The basic ratio each home must generate is 100,000 bacon butties a week, just to keep up.

The bin itself will be the size of three moderately sized tankers and will be part of your normal collection cycle-provided your house sits on a deep-water port. The binmen have requested that you do not mix your heavy and light crude oils, and please separate out any crisp packets.

A minister explained. “Provided each homeowner is willing to forego the oil required to make 345,000 bags of popcorn we should be okay.” Over the Christmas period when collections are delayed, people are advised against storing their oil, as it is likely to attract a ground invasion by the Americans.

image by Grok

Tiger Woods to be Trump's Middle East envoy

"He plays golf, he is behaving in an increasingly erratic way and he has convictions to his name," a spokes-putter for President Trump told reporters at Mar-a-Lago.

"Tiger Woods therefore seems the perfect representative for the President in peace talks with Iran.

"The only problem may be that Mr Woods attended the prestigious Stanford University.

"He might therefore bring intelligence and reasoning to the negotiations, rather than the blundering, pig-ignorant clown show that President Trump was planning."

image from Grok