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Rishi reveals his masterplan


Following the press statement by the Prime Minister the inevitable questions have been circulating.  When are they going?  When is HE going?  What airline is foolish enough to take Rishi's money?



We are going to answer all of these questions and more.  Unbeknownst to the general public the Prime Minister has avoided the potential embarrassment of failing to find an airline willing to risk its reputation by flying the refugees by dipping into his small change piggy bank and has bought British Airways.  He did consider buying RyanAir, but felt that was a low blow, even for refugees.



To avoid the problems with getting staff to fly the plane the Prime Minister has been learning to fly, mainly by cadging front row seats from Tory donors and by playing Flight Simulator on his X Box.  His first choice had been to train Liz Truss, but she only seemed capable of crashing things. 



The three hundred or so trained staff are actually all Tory MPs - predominantly those forecast to lose their seats once Sunak calls the election.  The motivation is that the nastiest MP on the flight will be promised the safest seat come the election, so unfortunately, we might not have seen the back of Gullis.



Finally, in answer to the continued questioning whenever Sunak claims the Rwanda flights are the 'will of the people', which has confused many pundits.  The people it is the will of are the people sat behind him in the House of Commons.  As most of them are forming the security detail they will still be sat behind him, all the way to Rwanda.  Here's hoping he's as inept at fuelling an aircraft as he was with a Kia.


Conservatives announce new rules to form a protective ring around immigrant health and care workers


In a chilling and perhaps portentous reminder, Home Secretary James Cleverly announced a 5 point plan to form a "protective ring" around immigrant health and care workers.



On announcing the measures he told the press conference that he would like cut annual immigration figures by 300,000 and stepping closer to the microphone said, "by any means necessary".



The measures are detailed as:


  • Ban health and care workers bringing family dependants, personal affects, memories, clothes, medical needs, aspirations to citizenship and shifty looks to the UK.

  • End companies being able to pay workers 20% less than the going rate for jobs on a shortage occupation list and insist they pay them 80% less and make them sleep onsite in what Mr Cleverly calls "Houses of Work". They will not be able to leave these houses until they have paid into the national coffers for 17 years.

  • Increase the annual charge foreign workers pay to use the NHS from £624 to £100,035 with a 60% surcharge going to national interests (The Conservative Party).

  • Raise the minimum income for family visas to £382,700 from £26,200, from next spring, all applicants will be assigned a cabinet member to work with on VIP, no question asked Government supply deals.

  • Ask the government's migration adviser to review the graduate visa route to "prevent foreigners learning too much".


Mr Cleverly has vowed to "do what is required of me by The Telegraph and The Mail" to bring down net migration and to fan the flames of the culture war.


Opposition leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has declined to comment until he hears what most people are saying.


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