top of page
Search

"Free me from this hellhole!" pleads illegal migrant trapped in Brentford



"For pity's sake!" gasped Ahmed from Aleppo, sinking to his knees in supplication, "somebody let me out of this hellhole they've sent me to!


"I'm surrounded on all sides by concrete and high walls topped with barbed wire. It's rat-infested, and everyone around me seems to have a disease.


"And everywhere I go, there are skinheads - who I assume to be undercover government agents - threatening to throw me in the water.


"I never thought that Suella Braverman and the Home Office would be so callous as to chuck us illegal migrants into emergency housing in Brentford.


"Let me out of here, and I promise I will go back and take my chances in war-torn Syria.


"Or put me on that charming seaside barge, the Bibby Stockholm.


"There's less chance of dying a horrendous death in either of those two places than there is in Bibby Brentford."




Migrants: Search for demeaning lodgings continues



Home Office Ministers have tasked their civil servants with finding suitable accommodation for the thousands of migrants arriving in small boats. In the case, suitable means depressing, demeaning and humiliating – while remaining, of course, legal. The logic is that migrants must have accommodation that is worse than that enjoyed by most voters. The accommodation must convince the electorate that every expense is being spared.


Accommodation on the floating barge, the Bibby Stockholm, does meet the current requirements, but it only has limited capacity. Discussions with P&O about hiring more ships have foundered as the government felt the company was paying its staff too much. So the search for alternative living quarters is underway.


Home Office staff have pitched a range of unpleasant options back to Ministers. These include a camping site in Grimsby that is downwind of a fish processing factory. The site has the required zero to one star TripAdvisor review and the facilities are described as ‘stubbornly adequate’. The main attraction for the politicians is the pong of fish, which is persistent and pervasive, and might encourage the migrants to return home.


Another option is for migrants to sleep on underused trains between 10pm and 6am. Hostel trains would trundle slowly back and forth between stations on the fringes of the rail network, such as the line between Hull and Scarborough. This proposal means that, as the migrants are always on the move, they will never achieve settled status and would certainly not get a settled night’s sleep. Ministers remain concerned that the tabloids will say that migrants are being funded to go on trips to the seaside.


A third option under consideration is to house migrants in a disused coal mine. ‘Out of sight, not out of mine,’ joked one official, who asked to be named. Residents would be allowed up to ground level once a fortnight, to send and receive texts and use a proper toilet. Staff are investigating if there is a human right to be able to see the sky.


Ministers have defended their proposals, saying that they have rejected the most extreme options. A campsite by the runway at Heathrow was ruled out as a risk to travellers. Accommodation at a nuclear waste dump was thought to have implications for national security, although it was nice and warm. And lodging migrants in portaloos on the central reservation of the A1(M) was found to be too expensive. You’d be surprised how much it costs to rent a portaloo.




Migrants were moved off barge due to bacteria fears



The migrants who were moved off the Bibby Stockholm today and onto the beach, were moved due to bacteria fears. However the migrants were later told to get off the beach, due to bacteria fears.


Subsequently the migrants, who had obeyed the previous command were told to get out of the sea, due to really seriously bacteria fears, and were relocated to Sid's cafe (est 1985) and given food vouchers.


Migrants were then advised to leave Sid's Caff, due to bacteria fears.





bottom of page