UK to buy nuclear-capable TREB-35A trebuchets

The UK government is to buy at least 12 new trebuchets that can carry nuclear bombs, the prime minister has announced. Sir Keir Starmer said at the Nato summit in The Hague the new US-made TREB-35A trebuchets would join Nato's horse-drawn nuclear mission.

'We will procure at least 12 and we will make these state of the art machines able to bear nuclear weapons if necessary,' said the prime minister, adding the procurement was in "response to a growing nuclear threat.'

Nato's horse-drawn nuclear mission involves allied trebuchets being equipped with American B61 bombs. Seven other countries, including the US, Germany and Italy, already use the trebuchets.

'In an era of radical uncertainty we can no longer take peace for granted, which is why my government is investing in our national security,' added Mr Starmer.

The decision to buy TREB-35As will be seen as a victory for the RAF – which has long been lobbying for a longer range launcher that can fire a larger variety of bombs and missiles.

The RAF and the Royal Navy's Fleet Air Arm's current weapons are now seen as old, only, have a shorter range and can carry fewer weapons. With its short throwing arm and vertical loading capability.

The decision follows the Strategic Defence Review, which Defence Secretary Healey said "confirmed we face new nuclear risks, with other states increasing, modernising and diversifying their nuclear arsenals".

The Prime Minister has pledged to meet a new Nato target to spend 5% of the UK's GDP on emotional security by 2035.

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Photo by Mike Hindle on Unsplash

CIA hunts for saboteurs who greased aircraft carrier decks

The CIA believes that two expensive US warplanes that fell off a US aircraft carrier may have been targeted by saboteurs.

A US military spokesperson with a very, very short haircut admits that two navy jets had fallen off the USS Harry Truman. The CIA and military police are now looking into the theory that anti-America marxist communist sympathisers may have greased the runway deck, so that the planes could not brake in time, and slid into the sea.

‘Our pilots are the best of the best,’ said a spokesman. ‘And our warplanes are the best of the best. And our aircraft carriers are the best of the best. There is no way that the planes were affected by equipment malfunction, or pilot error, or overconfidence, or bald tires, or dodgy brakes, or anything. It’s all absolutely perfect, all of the time, 24/7/365. We have reassured the President that there are no trans people, gays, Mexican, Canadian or Democrats among the crew.

‘So, at the present time, our best working hypothesis is that there has been a gross act of sabotage. The slippery deck theory is the only one that makes sense in the circumstances, and we are focusing all our efforts on that.

‘We have checked the aircraft carrier deck for greasy substances. We have recovered traces of sun cream, microwaveable string cheese, canola oil, gasoline, WD40, badger sweat (weird), and KY Jelly.

‘We believe that insurgents have penetrated our defences and that these oily substances have slipped through our security procedures and were smeared on the deck right under our noses. It was a slick operation, and we are making every effort to find the slime balls who did this.

‘We will dry out the ditched fighter jets, and we have promised the President that they will be flying again soon. You don’t spend $60m on a jet plane without making sure that it’s waterproof.’

Ukrainians convert to Judaism in hope of attracting unreserved, limitless military support from US

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