Labour Ministers spend £1bn on High-Vis jackets

With echoes of the scandal surrounding Covid PPE contracts, millions have been squandered trying to make Keir Starmer look like Bob the Builder. Rumour has it that the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has a luminous vest made by Christian Dior and wellies made by Ugg.

No minister is permitted to appear on camera without an obligatory hard hat and a confused look, when ever offered a hammer. Yet no one has pointed out that wearing High-Vis and a suit just looks like you cannot be trusted to eat soup without spilling it.

One Minister defended the decision. 'Some have said we cannot boost the economy with austerity, but certain industries are booming. Take the hi vis jacket manufacturing sector, they're raking it in.'

Photo by John Kakuk on Unsplash

Larry greets Keir Starmer and his new ministers

'Ah, Mr Starmer!  I've been expecting you' Larry the cat is reported to having said as Britain's new prime minister eventually found his way to No. 10 downing Street for a confidential inaugural meeting.

Asked later by the world's press how well they got on, Larry was taciturn.  'We'll have to see how well Sir Keir and his colleagues shape up' mouthed the Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office as he strolled back to his official quarters 'but it will be good if this is the start of a few years consistency and continuity.  And without any of my staff thinking they have to stand outside in the pouring  rain to make a speech.  I'm a cat, so obviously I would never do anything as dumb as that.'

Photo by Manja Vitolic on Unsplash

MP fury at not being famous enough to be a Portillo moment

Michael Tomlinson has taken to Twitter to express his anger at being left off of "Portillo moment" lists.

'I am a minister of state and as such losing my seat should be a big moment of the election. I've been privately coaching the Labour candidate to mouth 'oh gosh!' when it happens.'

When Mr Tomlinson was reminded that he was the Minister of State for Countering Illegal Migration he responded, 'Oh bugger, that's me is it?'