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The government is planning help for MPs who lose their lucrative jobs to make the transition into normal life.


The scheme is being heralded as making being an MP more attractive but is a widely seen as a thinly veiled admission that a lot of Tories, particularly in the north, will soon be adding to the unemployable stats.


Consultants are being employed to teach ex MPs skills such shouting, “Big Issue” or simply standing behind a counter and asking “Do you want fries with that?”


The scheme will not be available to MPs who step down. They will been deemed to have made themselves redundant and as such they will not be eligible for benefits, but will be given the services of a ghost writer to knock out a few trashy novels.


A similar scheme was being developed for ex PMs and Cabinet Ministers but was scrapped when it became obvious that the numbers were simply too high.



There is pressure on the government to clarify what ministers can legally be called. A website where people could submit suggested insults has repeatedly crashed because of overloading.


"'Tory scum' is obviously fine", explained a spokesman, "and we would request people not to keep suggesting that one. 'Bell end', 'muppet', 'tosser' and 'yogurt brain' are already under study."


A committee of experts comprising Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a professor of Anglo-Saxon and a vet are evaluating the possible names.


When approached for a comment, the Reverend Justin Welby said that "'dick-head' was quite a popular choice, but in my view, doesn't go far enough. Personally, I'd calling them all ******* *****"




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