The UK government had been forced to deny the charge, that Beijing espionage has been disrupted by Barry Gardiner completely failing to influence events or wield any kind of power.
A Beijing spokeswoman said: ‘It soon became apparent that not one of these idiot MPs knew any secrets worth a damn. We’ve squandered millions in bribes, only to discover that your average UK politician has all the pull of a toddler on a tug of war team’.
Conservative MPs who've updated their copies of Microsoft Office have found a new time saving template built-in to the new version.
One Tory MP explained; "I fired up a blank document in Word this morning to write a letter to a constituency, I got as far as typing 'Dear...' when it popped up a window saying 'It looks like you're writing a letter of no confidence to Boris Johnson. Would you like help?' There was my old friend Clippy, but bent in the shape of a hangman's noose.
"I thought 'Why not?' and select the 'Yes' option and the document wrote itself with a comprehensive list of misdeeds that any other prime-minister would not only resign for, but for most people have to change his name and leave the country. When I printed it off, I had to load an extra pack of paper - it's going to cost a fortune to post."
A spokesman for Microsoft explained that "They try and keep Word up to date with future requirements."
When contacted for comment, Downing Street said they were "Too busy for this; they had a leaving do to organise and someone had told the brewery the wrong date."
Updated: Dec 3, 2021
The Prime Minister appeared to distance himself from the majority of the British public by agreeing they weren't inherently corrupt, implying that those he didn't by nature distance himself from were, including but not necessarily limited to: Conservative MPs, Conservative donors, Conservative Party Treasurers, some blokes Johnson and his cabinet members met in a pub, his mates and anyone who had an island retreat to lend for a fortnight.
The government has promised to tackle corruption and will set up an enquiry that will be presided over by the highest bidders who will almost certainly receive a peerage in return for delivering the correct result. They will, of course, be handsomely paid and be allowed to work from home. Or the Bahamas, whichever pays the most.
