Mars Rover now better supported than NHS computer systems

Following reports that NASA have 'got around to updating' its Mars Rover operating system, only 18 years since the last update, tech experts in the NHS have considered following suit. 'We knew our Windows 98 software was in need of an update and felt the systems were in danger of being hacked by Nigerian fraudsters,' said a NASA spokesman today, 'so we uploaded the 2004 April patch. It took hours, not because Mars is so far away, but because, well, it's Windows.'

IT experts working for the NHS have concluded that such an update is possible. 'If we update the central server to a Pentium and fit a CD drive we might be able to load Windows 95,' said one expert, musing if the updated spec would be compatible with the industry standard Spectrum computers. 'We might even consider fitting monitors as well, given the ticker-tape machines are wearing out a bit,' he added.

First published 29 June 2022

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Scientists turn James Webb Space Telescope on Labour’s black hole

Following the discovery of a black hole at the Treasury by Chancellor Rachel Reeves, the James Webb Space Telescope has now been repositioned in an effort to study this fiscal phenomenon more closely.

N.A.S.A. spokesperson Jane Franklyn told us, “This is the telescope that discovered CEERS 1019, a supermassive black hole that existed just over 570 million years after the big bang. Now we are focussed on 1 HORSEGUARDS ROAD and another black hole formed some 38 years after the financial market deregulation big bang. See what I did there?”

However, early investigations have proved contradictory. “We are not getting consistent results” explained Jane. “We are trying to view this from all sides of the spectrum and from the blue side you might almost be tempted to think there was nothing there at all. However, when we shift towards infrared there it is in all its glory, a nebulous political anomaly, requiring immediate remedial action, such as cooling down millions of older bodies over the coming months.”

When asked how much longer the telescope might be utilised in this way, Ms Franklyn told us they were already pointing it back out into the Universe. “We find that Earthly peculiarities usually end up being a waste of our resources. After all, we never did discover which planet Donald Trump is on.”

image from pixabay