After planning the most diverse space crew since Star Trek: the Next Generation, with four semi-geriatrics covering both male and female astronauts and including a first for a moon mission: a person of colour and, controversially, a Canadian, though not necessarily the same person, NASA has now outlined its plans for Artemis 3 which will land a crew of four-ish on the surface of the moon.
'We intend to select talented non-binary, gender fluid individuals who have interesting, if incomprehensible, pronouns,' stated a NASA spokesperson, who answered to the pronoun s(he), or 'Them' for short. 'We've reached out to the LGBTQαβγ∆ρσ+ community, essentially the brightest non-binary personnel we have access to,' added the spokeswhatsit. 'The watchword is woke, and we're going where no Murdock newspaper has ever gone before,' the representative stated firmly, but without causing offence, obviously.
The spokewibble admitted that the Artemis 3 mission will rely on essentially a giant phallic shaped rocket funded by the least woke, essentially misogynistic owner of SpaceX, admitting it looked like a giant cock. 'As does the rocket,' he/she,them added.
NASA has announced the first prototype of a new spacesuit. According to a spokesman, the new suit “recognises the realities of our new hybrid-funding model, where civilians travel alongside our trained astronauts, in return for an appropriate fee".
"Civilians in space create particular design challenges which our staff have worked hard to overcome. The suit, code-named Jabba*, has the following features:
• extended flexibility in the abdomen area;
• additional filters to allow the person to smoke large cigars; and
• further pressurization to allow significant amounts of carbonated alcoholic drinks to be imbibed on-board.
A further modification involves special adaptation to the visor to reduce the likelihood of psychological episodes when the wearer realises they may be significantly smaller than the universe, apart from their egos, obviously.”
The spokesman concluded, “we are very pleased with what we’ve achieved with Jabba and hope that further high-achieving individuals will consider co-funding one of our next missions. Details of our secure credit card portal are on our site. Unfortunately we don't accept PayPal or Virgin gift vouchers,” he added.
Notes to Editors:
1. *Jointed Abdominal Ballistic Body Armour
2. Please do not refer to “fatcats” or other derogatory terms for the wealthy, as it may jeopardise our future funding
Image: Yuri_B | Pixabay