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NASA to divert next asteroid towards Earth



Following Asteroid 2023 BU passing within 2,200 miles of the Earth, one NASA astrophysicist hopes to engage in a bit of interplanetary snooker to make sure we are not so lucky next time.


'It's for the best.' confirmed Professor Vivienne van Voort. 'Human beings simply cannot be trusted. If Jacob Rees-Mogg becomes the new Lorraine Kelly it would be better to destroy all evidence that this planet ever existed.'


Hard-line conservatives have labelled the plan to destroy the Earth and kill all life as 'woke' and criticised it for being pro-immigration, with one knuckle dragger grunting 'Asteroids, coming over here, taking our apocalypses.'




Hubble Telescope calls James Webb Telescope 'an attention seeking bitch'


The Hubble Telescope used to receive quite a bit attention in space circles, but now the younger, more attractive, and instantly more popular James Webb Telescope has stolen all of the limelight.


'Do you know who I am? I was, like, the biggest star ever, you know,' said Hubble in a manner which could not be described as humble. 'It's like they don't even know I exist anymore. Some think I've crashed and burned, like, in the atmosphere. It's just so... so disgusting how they go all cooey about this younger slut who has burst onto the scene and grabbed all of the attention.


'I've got style, class, panache... but that James Webb is all newfangled with a sexy pout and a wiggly bottom. It's just all about images these days, isn't it? If I had may way, I'd grab 'Jay-Wee' by the solar panels and fire that slaggy tart straight into the sun.'


Webb was contacted, but no equal or opposite reaction was forthcoming.



photo: https://pixabay.com/users/wikiimages-1897/

Apollo 7 astronaut funeral was faked, say conspiracy theorists



NASA has denied claims that the last surviving Apollo 7 astronaut is alive and well and living with Elvis and Michael Jackson in a condo in Palm Springs. Walter Cunningham, the first orbiting astronaut to sing ‘Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy’ while off his tits on acid, was forced to deny allegations that he isn’t dead.


Conspiracy nut spokesperson, Buddy Marylou Dingus Jnr III, told NewsBiscuit: ‘We have photographic evidence that astronauts are not real. If you look closely, you can see they’re made of cardboard. Them thar rootin-tootin sy-an-tists don’t know shit nor nuthin, and I got me a gun.’


The Apollo 7 crew were the first men to successfully dock and rendezvous in space, but the film footage of this encounter has never been made public. It is believed to be kept in a brown paper bag in a locked drawer at Cape Kennedy and can only be viewed at very special parties.

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