top of page
Search

Russian sanctions against the West will be the harshest since the great Lada shortage of 1981


Following a deeply troubling exchange during which Liz Truss said that her daddy was bigger than Vladimir Putin's daddy, the head of Russian bear wrangling has threatened to impose severe sanctions against the West. This is in retaliation for an escalation of tongues being stuck out from behind the skirt of NATO.

'Firstly, and most importantly, there will be an immediate repatriation of Liz Truss's culturally misappropriated hat.'

'There will then follow a strict ban on all dolls being put inside other dolls.'

'No other nation will be allowed to use the colours red, white or blue in their flags.'

'And finally, there will be no more beluga caviar pies served in the executive boxes at Chelski matches.'


NATO allies agree to tut and shake heads at Russia

After Germany said that there was "unequivocal proof" that Alexei Navalny was poisoned with Novichok the members of NATO have unanimously agreed to tut and shake their heads at Russia in response.


The use of a military grade nerve agent in the poisoning of an opposition politician points strongly toward the involvement of the Russian state, and the tutting and shaking of heads of NATO countries represents the strongest action yet taken against Vladimir Putin's regime.


A motion for even more drastic measures, that would have involved members rolling their eyes and muttering under their breath, was defeated in a second vote after being deemed too confrontational.


Prime Minister Boris Johnson condemned the latest attack as "outrageous", before adding "The Russian government must now explain what happened to Mr Navalny. Once we receive that explanation, no matter how far-fetched it may be, we will accept it without question and apologise profusely to Mr Putin for wasting his time."

"Maybe the German doctors have mistaken an allergic reaction for Novichok poisoning? Maybe it was them who poisoned him? Or maybe it was all the work of a mutant algorithm. You can have that one for free Vlad."


While all of the NATO members have been united in their condemnation of the poisoning and their resolve to show mild disapproval toward Russia, Donald Trump has so far been very quiet on the issue.


It is understood this is because he has been checking with Pentagon chiefs whether the US has any Novichok of their own, has been searching on Google for "how to poison political opponents and get away with it", and also looking into Joe Biden's upcoming schedule.

bottom of page