Farage to be Reform candidate for every constituency

Following news that a YouTuber is standing for election in 11 separate London constituencies, the Reform party has branded him a 'millennial underachiever' and announced that party CEO Nigel Farage is personally standing for election in all 650 UK parliamentary constituencies.

The former commodities trader will also conduct 100% of the Reform Party's media engagements, write all their policies personally, and collect the majority of all donations to the party in line with his status as majority shareholder - whether those donations are made by credit card or in the form of coins thrown at him in the street.

Responding to accusations that Reform was a 'one man band', a spokesperson for Mr Farage, giving his name as Figel Narage, said 'Nonsense, we are a very diverse band in fact. We also have Richard and his friends as the backing financiers, Mr Farage as lead tub thumper, and a completely different person called Mr Garage on dog whistle.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Niggley Farrago uses a more appropriate form of transport

Drawings of cocks will still count as votes

Voters are being warned that spoiling your ballot paper by drawing a cock and balls on it may not prevent it being counted as a vote. The Electoral Commission said that such actions will be interpreted as portraying a preference for the biggest knob amongst the candidates.

However, this will be done on a constituency by constituency basis, so that drawing a prick will not necessarily be considered as a vote for Rishi Sunak, Sir Keir Starmer, or even that LibDem bloke, even though they are all regularly compared to male members.

One thing is clear however. Since Nigel Farage declared that he would stand, it has been decided that any drawings of female genitalia will be counted as votes for Reform UK.

Image: MostafaElTurkey36 - Pixabay