Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia

Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.

'Of course it's for a bomb,' chuckled a spokes-launch site for the Saudi monarchy. 'We're sitting on deep seas of oil and natural gas. Why would we want nuclear material for power stations?

'It's like this. Because Iran is building nuclear weapons, we want the technology to make them too. Then there'll be a nuclear stand-off in the Middle East between two massively brutal and unpredictable regimes.

'That's why every US leader up until now has refused to even think about giving the Saudi regime nuclear technology.

'But you know President Donald. All you have to do is hand over some money and ask.'

'It's another genius Middle East move by our president,' said a White House spokes-dimwit, 'because it means Iran will now go all out and build the atom bomb that it's spent the past 30 years tinkering about with. Then there'll be some actual nuclear warheads there for our military to blow up.'

'They'll make mushrooms clouds like you'd never believe,' crowed the US president, signing his catastrophically dumb deal with Saudi Arabia in the Oval Office. 'So never say I don't put on a show for you.'

'Are you not entertained?'

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Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb.

'Obvs we'd prefer a hydrogen bomb', a spokesmum said. ' 'A' bombs are a bit Tesco, hydrogen bombs are more Waitrose. Ooh, do you think we could get a neutron bomb? I don't even know which retail tier that would belong to. Harrods?'

Mumsnet got the idea for an independent nuclear deterrent after seeing how much Israel has been getting away with.

'Obvs we don't want to invade a foreign country or commit genocide', the spokesmum told us. 'It's more the principle. When we're negotiating better rates for piano lessons or asking the local council to offer free swimming lessons it will be good to be able to threaten to vaporise the town hall. We've had some modest successes with abductions and offing the odd official but we'd really like to take it to the next level'.

International nuclear watchdogs have expressed alarm at this latest nuclear proliferation, with one official saying 'We thought North Korea was batshit but these people terrify us'.

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The end of the world is on hold while markets are so volatile

The Grim Reaper has put his scythe aside for the time being and is looking at working to rule.

'It's always been my intention to team up with the four horsemen and take all humanity out in one big swing,' he said today, 'and to be honest I thought my time had come.  the orange leader in the US was threatening to deploy nuclear weapons, was talking about destroying entire civilisations and, critically, seemed to have zero appreciation that these things tend to go badly.

'But then, just as I was honing my blade on the stone of death he backs off and starts playing golf and planning a ballroom as if nothing had happened.  The four horsemen have wised me up.  Apparently they play the market - Armageddon is such an infrequent occurrence and, well, they get bored so they dabble a bit.  They noticed a pattern with their services being called for and some dodgy moves on the futures markets.  Now if anyone knows about futures, it's these guys.

'So, while Trump has been making a fortune for himself and his buddies the four horsemen have been making a literal killing.  Not their preferred type of killing, agreed, but they just can't help themselves,' said the Grim Reaper today.

'Sorry guys, if it's the end of the world you wanted then you're going to have to get rid of Trump.  Impeach him, lock him up, do something.  Don't look to me to do anything, I've got fifty quid on him taking the world to the edge and back again next Wednesday.'