American Pi

'If those goddamn interfering Euroland bureaucrat busybodies can change the inch to 25.4mm exactly, just to make their sums a bit easier, then we in the free world - i.e., not in the republic of Eurolandshire - can do the same.

'As from tomorrow, Pi in America will be 3.142 - precisely.  No ifs, no buts.  No more of this never-ending number of decimal places or 'irrational number' bollosck.  Irrational numbers are just that - irrational. Which means 'lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence' and 'not endowed with reason or understanding'.  We're going to fix that.

'The next thing we'll sort out is Plank's constant.  At 6.62607015 × 10-34 m2 kg / s, it's so small, it's not worth bothering with, and anyway it's metric, so it's got to be rubbish.  So we'll just abolish it, and save a ton of money.  No, not a tonne, just a good, straight ton.  Of US dollars, obviously.

'But e is a bit bigger - a more sensible size.  It just needs tidying up a bit.  2.718 should work just fine.  (Who the Hell is Euler?  Another goddamn foreigner from Europland?  You might want e to have a different value, but that's just Europinion.  We in America believe in democracy, i.e., doing whatever democratically-elected I - decide.)

'But the biggest and greatest, of course, will be the Golden Ratio, which I have decided will bea nice, round 1.6180 exactly.  Well, until I change my mind again.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Labour will allow every house to have a name, rather than a number

“Aspirational politics is the way to win elections” a top Labour advisor told Newsbiscuit, as he outlined the nature the next election campaign will take.

“Everyone wants to get on; and they want their children to get on too. That why in so many walks of life, there is a ladder to climb. In education, it’s about getting the next qualification. In the army, there’s another stripe to win. With the lottery, few people want to guess just two correct numbers, when there’s six winning numbers to be had.

We believe that being able to name your home shouldn’t just be the preserve of the well to do, whilst the working class have to make do with a house number. Everyone should be able to give their home a name. It’s what people have been telling us on their doorsteps; and we believe it’s time we delivered on that.”

Newsbiscuit knocked on a few doors to get feedback from the public over whether the idea would win their vote and received mixed responses ranging from “You got me out of the bath to ask that?” and “I’ve just got the baby off to sleep and now you’ve set the sodding dog off barking, so eff off and leave us be.”

Political pundits however paint a more upbeat picture of the initiative and say that the plan will encourage creativity and erudition as neighbour look to outdo each other with Latin phrases and literary references.

We asked a homeless man sleeping in a shop doorway what he would name his home if he was ever lucky enough to have one and after some thought he said “Dunroamin sounds nice.”

Olay discovers more than seven signs of ageing

Cosmetics firm Olay admitted today it had actually discovered more signs of ageing than the quoted seven, but didn't mention them in its advertising as its creams don't do anything to combat them.

'Waddling from side to side on the pavement so no one can get past you,' said a spokesman today. "Yeah, we've had no luck curing that. We did try a combination of Ylang Ylang and oil of jasmine, but surprisingly it had no effect at all.

'Nor could we fix never listening when people speak to you, having the TV at an almost painful volume or uncontrollable flatulence.

'Most worrying of all is the tendency to grumble that in some vague way things aren't what they used to be, also known as "traditional values". We hoped we could at least prevent this developing into full-blown racism, but no luck.

'Mind you, it's a lot to expect of a skin cream. We can't even get rid of the all-pervading smell of lavender and urine.'

Asked for a comment, an aged person said, 'Eh? What? Is it time for Countdown yet?'