Leicester v Spurs ‘way bigger than Olympics’, insist Sky

Leicester v Spurs is still an absolutely huge match, and definitely worthy of an hour and a half of your attention, plus 2 hours of build-up, oh, and an hour of post match analysis, Sky has insisted.

The news comes after sports fans were found to have been gorging themselves for 15 days over the summer on a festival of free-to air world-class Olympic action across 54 different sports.

‘Yes, ok, so viewers have, apparently, been able to watch sportsmen and women striving to achieve their ambitions, all embodying the Olympic motto of faster, higher, stronger and treating the great imposters of triumph and disaster the same, blah, blah, blah’, sniffed a Sky marketing executive, feigning disinterest.

‘But,really, is watching Keely Hodgkinson majestically running down the home straight and destroying the field better than sitting through The Foxes’ season-opener against a bang-average Tottenham side, all for £45 quid a month? Really?’.

‘Simone Biles may have pushed the boundaries of what is humanly possible on a beam, and Leon Marchant may have ignited the games from the La Defense Swimming arena, convincing a sceptical Paris audience of the almost transcendental nature of sport at its best, but we didn’t have the exclusive rights to any of that, did we?

‘So please, instead of this interminable post-Olympic nonsense about the world coming together once every 4 years to share in something that is bigger than each of us individually, can we please just get back to hyping up what - even at this very early stage of the season - is undoubtedly a massive test for both teams, and which will tell us much about whether their pre-season ambitions are likely…

‘….oh, who am I kidding. Compared to the BMX Freestyle, this is dull as shit’.

Image: Pixabay/Kerem_Taser

Paris experiences spread of COVID variant which presents as a rash, named 'Olympox'

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Neptune Supports Ledecky for Mount Olympus

Neptune, the Roman god of the seas, has invited American amateur swimmer Katie Ledecky to the join the pantheon of gods residing on Mount Olympus. 'Ledecky has mastered the waves in a manner that, to be absolutely candid, puts me to shame,' Neptune said in a press release. In a subsequent interview, Neptune said 'Let's be honest – I can wreck a trireme fleet as easily as anyone, but if I tried to swim the way she did in the 1500 metres, I'd burst my aorta.'

Ledecky would be the first mortal admitted to the Olympian pantheon since Caesar Augustus, Rome's greatest emperor. 'He's a bit of a bore,' Neptune admitted, 'always banging on about Pompey this and Cleopatra that.' Neptune hopes that Ledecky would bring 'a fresh perspective' to a pantheon that critics assert has lost much of its relevance in recent centuries.

Neptune also hopes that Ledecky would be willing to share some of her physical skills and mental discipline with the mermaids, with whom Neptune has had a frequently contentious relationship. 'All they do is sit around sunning themselves on rocks – bloody useless if you ask me,' Neptune said. Reached for comment, a representative of the Global Mermaids Union rejected Neptune's characterization, calling him 'a soggy old fart who's well past his sell-by date.' 'The tide's gone out on Neptune,' the representative continued, 'and all he's capable of now is beaching the odd whale.'

Ledecky's agent declined to be interviewed on whether the swimmer would seize this chance at immortality. However, in a statement posted to social media, the agent seemed to leave Ledecky's door to Mount Olympus at least slightly ajar. 'Katie is completely focused on achieving immortality through her athletic efforts,' the statement said. 'Which mountains she chooses to climb after that will be her decision.'

Image: Wix AI