An exhausted viewer of the Paris Olympics

Neptune Supports Ledecky for Mount Olympus

Neptune, the Roman god of the seas, has invited American amateur swimmer Katie Ledecky to the join the pantheon of gods residing on Mount Olympus. 'Ledecky has mastered the waves in a manner that, to be absolutely candid, puts me to shame,' Neptune said in a press release. In a subsequent interview, Neptune said 'Let's be honest – I can wreck a trireme fleet as easily as anyone, but if I tried to swim the way she did in the 1500 metres, I'd burst my aorta.'

Ledecky would be the first mortal admitted to the Olympian pantheon since Caesar Augustus, Rome's greatest emperor. 'He's a bit of a bore,' Neptune admitted, 'always banging on about Pompey this and Cleopatra that.' Neptune hopes that Ledecky would bring 'a fresh perspective' to a pantheon that critics assert has lost much of its relevance in recent centuries.

Neptune also hopes that Ledecky would be willing to share some of her physical skills and mental discipline with the mermaids, with whom Neptune has had a frequently contentious relationship. 'All they do is sit around sunning themselves on rocks – bloody useless if you ask me,' Neptune said. Reached for comment, a representative of the Global Mermaids Union rejected Neptune's characterization, calling him 'a soggy old fart who's well past his sell-by date.' 'The tide's gone out on Neptune,' the representative continued, 'and all he's capable of now is beaching the odd whale.'

Ledecky's agent declined to be interviewed on whether the swimmer would seize this chance at immortality. However, in a statement posted to social media, the agent seemed to leave Ledecky's door to Mount Olympus at least slightly ajar. 'Katie is completely focused on achieving immortality through her athletic efforts,' the statement said. 'Which mountains she chooses to climb after that will be her decision.'

Image: Wix AI

Future 'more inclusive' Olympics to include nose-picking, passing wind and belching

‘Things like BMX biking, skateboarding and break-dancing are far too elitist' claimed one campaigner 'requiring specialist equipment, even if that's just a source of music.  We need more sports where absolutely anyone can compete on an equal footing.'

'We considered chanting, banner-waving, brick-throwing and wheelie-bin burning, but sadly, these sports have recently been hijacked by a minority of anti-social troublemakers who have given the activities a bad reputation, so we decided against including them for fear of crowd trouble.'

'So we are now down to a shortlist including belching, farting, earwax scraping, masturbation and tooth-picking.  But not arse-scratching, obviously.  That would be just silly, and trivialise the whole movement.'

'And at least with masturbation, the gender of the participants should be clearly apparent to all.  But while In the case of the men's event, it should be easy enough to see who comes first, there are worries that some of the women might be just faking it.'

Image: Pixabay/Mollyroselee