Future 'more inclusive' Olympics to include nose-picking, passing wind and belching

‘Things like BMX biking, skateboarding and break-dancing are far too elitist' claimed one campaigner 'requiring specialist equipment, even if that's just a source of music.  We need more sports where absolutely anyone can compete on an equal footing.'

'We considered chanting, banner-waving, brick-throwing and wheelie-bin burning, but sadly, these sports have recently been hijacked by a minority of anti-social troublemakers who have given the activities a bad reputation, so we decided against including them for fear of crowd trouble.'

'So we are now down to a shortlist including belching, farting, earwax scraping, masturbation and tooth-picking.  But not arse-scratching, obviously.  That would be just silly, and trivialise the whole movement.'

'And at least with masturbation, the gender of the participants should be clearly apparent to all.  But while In the case of the men's event, it should be easy enough to see who comes first, there are worries that some of the women might be just faking it.'

Image: Pixabay/Mollyroselee

Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, insists man

A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.

Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since early on day 1 of the Paris games, ranging from the gymnastics high bars ('ohhh, he’s just failed to plant that Katchev’), the skateboarding (‘the Brazilian was laying down 360s and alley-oop combos in practice this morning, no problem, but this Paris park is definitely skating slow’) and the BMX freestyle ('Jesus, did you see that – he had no hands on the bike!).

'I think the family likes to know what's going on - the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight', said McBride, with one eye on the Men's triathlon. 'I see my role as a kind of public information service....oh, now that’s a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there - that's going to cost him'.

'Lots of splash on entry there', continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the 10m synchronised diving. 'The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds'.

'By day 12, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are where the teams are going to up the rate to 40 strokes a minute, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is 'definitely top drawer', said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete's wife. 'I don't think we can take any more'.

'The family look to be 'in the red' already in terms of stamina', summarised McBride excitedly. 'They'll need to dig deep if they've any hope of making it through to the closing ceremony. Otherwise, they'll unfortunately go into the repechage'.

Image: Pixabay/StockSnap

Post-event interviews with GB Olympians to include general knowledge round

Interviews with Olympic competitors conducted immediately after their event will now include general knowledge, science and geography questions, the BBC announced today, in an attempt to make the encounters slightly less toe-curling. 

The news comes after concerns were raised that interviewees were increasingly able to predict the inane questions they were going to be asked about how they were feeling, what the Olympics meant to them, or whether they could have done anything differently.

‘Some of the answers given by breathless and emotional Team GB athletes less then a minute after they’ve either just fulfilled their lifetime dream or had their expectations cruelly crushed in front of millions are remarkably similar’, said a BBC spokesperson. ‘Gave it everything I had, hasn’t sunk in yet, I just blew it, thanks for all the support back home. It’s as if they’re all copying each other. The format needs a total overhaul’.

‘Duncan Scott may be one of the most decorated GB Olympian at a single games, but can he tell us what’s the second highest mountain in the Andes, whilst still dripping wet, exhausted and unable to string a sentence together?’ said the spokesperson. ‘And Keely Hodgkinson may have just fulfilled her lifetime ambition at the age of 22, but does she know what the longest running musical theatre show is in the West End?’

Richard Osman has been brought in as a consultant to turn things into a workable quiz format. Rumours that former Going for Gold host Henry Kelly will soon be taking over from Matthew Pinsent, Sharon Davies and others in shoving a microphone in front of peoples faces are said to be unfounded.

Image: Pixabay/tumisu