Day five & the Olympic Opening Ceremony is still going

Paris 2024 treated the world to a spectacle of light, sound and mind-numbing boredom - with all the obligatory mime artists you could want. Not content with talking in French - everyone's worst second language - the Olympic hosts decided to showcase the million and one reasons why French art is so dull.

The torrential rain did alleviate some of the tension by soaking Olympic Officials and a bedraggled choir. While the highlight was seeing the competitors forced onto barges and hit by a water canon of excrement, from the River Seine.

The key to all French culture is to do it at a snail's pace, but with a face like a slapped arse. There seemed to be an awful lot of cosplay characters on skateboards and hula-hoopers in fetish underwear - but that is standard for any French day out. It was the glacial pace that did for may of the viewers, said one: 'I need a medal just for having watched it.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Paris Olympics opened by Eurovision and Eurotrash tribute

The opening ceremony for the Paris Olympics has received worldwide praise for being the most utter rubbish in Olympic history . It has been recognised for fully embracing a combination of the homo-erotic dance sequences of Eurovision and the bizarrely costumed individuals performing weird rituals of Eurotrash in a unique tribute to the worst television programmes ever broadcast.

Barely dressed couples dancing the tango to hardcore drum and bass, unconvincing electronic horses being ridden along a river and a Woy Hodgson lookalike getting as soaked as a Sunak were particular highlights. Talking of Rishi, no-one would have criticised him for leaving this ceremony early.

The French really screwed things up. Television commentators had been preparing numerous puns about the celebrations being ‘In Seine’, only for the French to rename the Parisian river ‘The Sen’ for some reason. And then they waved red white and blue tricolour flags instead of their traditional all white.

On a positive note, a world record has already been broken. Never has ‘What the effing hell is that?’ been simultaneously translated into more languages.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Are you Olympics ready?

It’s nearly here. There’s hardly any time left to prepare – so act fast!   You can almost taste the excitement and the indifference...

If you love the Olympics, then...

    • Learn a few useful French phrases – merde, paf, ouf, for example

    • Buy a bigger telly. Or maybe buy another telly so you can watch two things at once

    • Impress friends by learning all the different cycling events

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

    • Order doughnuts, so you can make your own high-calorie tribute to the Olympic rings

 • Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick

If you hate the Olympics, then...

    • Start a swear box for anyone attempting to speak in French

    • Hide the telly. Download lots of audiobooks, or get your LP collection out of the loft

    • Start drafting complaints to the BBC about how much sports presenters are paid

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

• Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick

Picture credit: Wix AI