England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana

Hungary is still celebrating a huge election win for Peter Magyar, despite support for incumbent Viktor Orban from the United States, vice-president. JD Vance has once-again demonstrated his unique reverse Midas Touch.

Reeling from failing to bring peace between Iran and the US, a fiasco that only sits mid-table in his myriad of omnishambles, Vance is already looking to put the collective embarrassments of the loss in Hungary, failure in Pakistan, destroying the NCAA trophy, and killing Pope Francis behind him with his summer vacation. Last year, this took place in the UK. However, the English Football Association say they have received enough funding from fans and interested parties to offer the vice-president an all-expenses trip to Croatia, Panama, and Ghana on the condition the visits take place before the 17th of June this year.

'It's very simple,' said FA Spokesperson Penny T Kicks, 'everything Vance touches turns to mould. Therefore, we're happy for him and his family to visit each of our opponents, shake some hands, have a kick about, maybe tear a few cruciate ligaments, and ease our path into the knockout stages. After that, we just hope we get enough games in the United States where our opponents won't be able to travel into the country for fears of deportment by ICE, and not only will England lift the World Cup again, but we'll also no longer have to hear Skinner and Baddiel singing about sixty years of hurt.'

An offer by Scotland to also have Vance visit Haiti, Morocco, and Brazil was pulled from the table and instead given to Donald Trump, as Scottish Manager Steve Clarke said he needed help from Jesus Christ himself in order to get out the group phases.

Image: WixAI

Trump buys Iceland supermarket chain

The White House had egg on its face today when it was announced that President Trump had bought British frozen food retailer Iceland, having confused it with the country of the same name.

'I guess I should have seen this coming,' said special adviser Hymie Braskowitz. 'He often says ‘Iceland’ when he means ‘Greenland.' I tried to correct him once, but he insisted they’re the same place, and ‘Iceland’ is just a nickname the inhabitants gave it ‘because it’s cold there.

'All the same, I was poleaxed when I came into the office this morning and found him grinning behind his desk, claiming he’d bought it. A few frantic phone calls later, I realised what he’d bought was some British frozen food chain.

'The problem is getting him to accept that. I know if I give him news he doesn’t like, by the end of the day I’ll be just another former Trump staffer with a book to sell. So for the moment at least, I’m just nodding and smiling, and the orange baboon thinks he owns a large island in the North Atlantic. Even if he’s not quite sure which one.'

Meanwhile senior management at the frozen food retailer are waiting anxiously to see what changes their new owner intends to make. Some of them have tentatively suggested producing a line of red baseball caps with the slogan “Make Iceland Bejam Again”.