Quirky gesture to camera to be compulsory for 2024 Olympians, organisers confirm

All competitors in the 2024 Olympics in Paris will need to perform some kind of wacky gesture to the camera as they are introduced to spectators just before they start their event, Olympic officials confirmed today.

The news comes after some of those competing at Tokyo 2020 opted for a generic smile to the camera and a slightly self-conscious wave as their name was announced to a global audience of billions.

'They've had five years to prepare their 'to-camera shot", said an Olympic spokesperson. 'So, it was disappointing to see some athletes insisting on a slightly scary fixed look of intense concentration, staring towards an imaginary point in the distance’.

'The Olympics has a long tradition of confident gestures to camera,’ noted the spokesperson wistfully. ‘We need to see more of those 'index finger pointing forward like a gun whilst nodding your head and winking' set pieces that were universal in the mens' 100m back in Los Angeles 1984, but which have sadly faded away. Or some of those ironic 'Rodin's thinker' type poses that some of the boxers do as they come in the ring’.

'Every single participant in the female gymnastics managed to make that heart gesture with their thumb and index fingers every time they were on camera, so I don't see why the track cyclists can't do it as they're lined up on a 45% banking', continued the spokesperson. 'The table tennis guys could do a little routine with their bat and ball, the sailors some kind of hornpipe pastiche. The dressage... we'll come back to you on that, but there must be something, maybe a little pretend gallop followed by someone getting quite angry and then throwing a punch’.

In separate news, it has been announced that 'medal biting' in post-podium photographs will also return to being a compulsory routine for winners in Paris 2024, after becoming just an optional gesture at Tokyo 2020 due to COVID.

Olympic sports you ludicrously think you could medal in

The Olympics. The pinnacle of sporting endeavour, where the frailties and limits of human abilities are exposed and redefined under the most intense of spotlights. Reaching that sort of level is simply beyond comprehension for us mere mortals. But Skateboarding? Seriously? You were boardsliding down the handrail outside your local Tesco when you were 15. It’s not that hard. Here are 5 other Olympic sports that you also reckon you could win:

BMX Racing – when you were 11 you spent your summer holiday arseing around a disused scrap yard on your Raleigh Grifter, so you definitely have the pedigree. You’d have been even better if your mum hadn’t kept calling you in for your dinner. With success directly correlated to being a twat and taking out your opponents on the first corner, you’ll be quids in.

Shooting – A socially awkward man lies immobile for hours on end, blocking out all external stimuli, and occasionally pulling a trigger and hitting a target. It’s a perfect description of your last 5 years playing Call of Duty in your darkened spare room, if you add in a crate of Monster Energy drinks and regular masturbation breaks. The podium awaits.

Modern Pentathlon – Fencing, swimming, show-jumping, shooting, and cross-country skiing. An unfathomable collection of sports, seemingly thrown together by the Marketing Team at Center Parcs. Luckily for you, you developed significant prowess in all of them at Big Rich’s stag do at that stately home last year, alongside coke-snorting.

Surfing - Bottom turns, cutbacks, off the lips….the uninterested instructor mentioned all these moves in the over-priced surfing lesson you took on a recent family holiday at Newquay. You’ve watched Point Break hundreds of times, and after you win gold, you’ve already got your Donald Trump ‘5th president’ mask ready to slip on as a joke as the National Anthem plays.

Breakdancing – frustratingly, not included as a medal event until Paris 2024, meaning another 3 years before you can unleash those windmills and headspins that you perfected at the school disco 30 years ago. You are confident of a medal, as long as don’t get distracted again by school bully telling you that you have a very small penis and you’ve got no chance of getting off with Michelle in the gym tonight.