Prince Charles slays Parliament with “Zhuzhed-up” edit of Queen’s speech

In an effort to connect with younger generations, but not in a ‘Prince Andrewy-way’, Prince Charles has delivered a ‘Xennials style’ version of the speech originally penned by The Queen in his opening of parliament today.

The Queen pulled out of the State Opening for the first time in 60 years due to mobility problems, the fact that she can’t be arsed, and because she’d rather drink a gallon of corgi piss than spend another minute in the vicinity of Boris Johnson.

'Everyone knows that kids these days are obsessed by the goings on in parliament,' said Palace aide, Graeme Stool. 'They’re constantly Instatwatting what goes down ‘in-da-House of Commons’, so The Prince of Wales saw this as a gilt-edged opportunity to show the masses that he’s ‘down wiv da kids'.'

'Having read The Queen’s speech this morning, Charles, or Ché as he wants to be known, says the intended message was ‘a bit square’, and he wanted to ‘zhuzh it up a bit’ by adding ‘a few woke zingers’ and some ‘lit takes’.'

The Speech, which focused on growth of the economy was re-titled, 'Shook: The Struggle is Real', and made some acerbic jibes at the government with lines such as, 'This government is so sus, I can’t even. They should be cancelled!', and a vociferous chant of, 'Who’s the boomer with the wig', aimed at the Prime Minister.

The Prince of Wales appeared to be enjoying himself as he entered Parliament via the red carpet but had dispensed with his traditional dress uniform and instead displayed his ‘bling’ (medals) on a Superdry hoodie.

To finish, the heir to the throne winked at the Speaker of the House and told him, 'Yo, I gotta bounce, my palace is a pigsty, hashtag humblebrag’, before addressing the floor, dropping a microphone he had brought himself, and stating, 'Ché out!'

Image from Pixabay by PixelAnarchy

https://pixabay.com/photos/royal-family-prince-charles-mask-8305/

Today in parliament

Britain Poised for Anarchy as Government De-clarifies Rules

Experts are warning that Britain is facing a ‘law and order freefall.’ Paul, 12, Professor of Behavioural Science at the University of Westward Ho! has cautioned his local MP that Armageddon may also follow suit.

‘The problem is that we have lived with shifting sands for too long,’ he explained. ‘Nobody knows where they stand anymore. This leads to a growing feeling of “sod it. I’ll just do what I want.” Before you know it, McDonalds has run out of ketchup, Freddos have gone up to £8.49 and the Four Horsemen are competing at the Horse of the Year Show.'

Like most people in Britain, Paul blames the Government. He also believes that they have melted the distinction between right and wrong to the point that it’s just a runny marmitey-goo of lawlessness. ‘One day we are only allowed to meet one person in another bubble and the next it’s full wine and cheese with people you don’t want to know. One day the Foreign Secretary is encouraging us to take up arms against tyranny and join a foreign legion; the next, holding a peaceful vigil gets you violently arrested. There is just no logic to it.’

Paul’s sentiments are echoed right across the country. Michael from Bideford is reeling from a letter received from his daughter’s school. ‘Apparently, they are not allowed to take in chainsaws anymore, but fruit is somehow OK. We just don’t know whether we are coming or going. It’s the End of Days.’

Image: TheDigitalArtist | Pixabay