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Clacton loses hardworking MP


As Nigel Farage resigns, the constituents of Clacton will have to do without his uncanny ability to look busy while doing absolutely nothing. They fondly recalled his ‘delegating’ of casework tasks by pretending not to hear them. And whose main parliamentary achievement was turning up late and leaving early.


One Clacton resident observed, ‘I admired his unwavering commitment to avoiding eye contact when responsibility approached. And I’ll miss his bold stance of abstaining from everything, except free lunches. His surgery was a locked door and a sign saying ‘Back in 10 minutes’…for eight months straight.’


The community will miss Mr Farage’s dedicated outreach programme—one Christmas card sent to the wrong address. Said another, ‘He was the human equivalent of a phone line that rang forever and was never answered. At least his inbox will finally know peace after years of being used exclusively as storage.’


image from Grok


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Those Reform policies in full


With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.


  1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

  2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

  3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

  4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

  5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

  6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

  7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

  8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

  9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

  10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

  11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

  12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.


In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.



Hat tip to deskpilot


Image credit: from the NB archive

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