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PM denies Houses of Parliament are ‘institutionally corrupt’



Despite mild criticism of UK politicians in recent days / weeks / months / years / centuries, PM Rishi Sunak denies that both the UK Chambers (and bastions) of democracy are in any way institutionally corrupt. a spokesperson for the PM, explained:-


“Use of the word ‘institutionally’ is unhelpful because it politicises what is really down to a few individual rotten apples.


"Yes I admit there have been isolated instances of illegal payments for lobbying. And sexual harassment. And photo-copier abuse. And bullying. And ignoring Covid lock-down rules and lying to Parliament. And religious bigotry. And awarding lucrative Covid contracts to chums without tendering. And anti-semitism. And using ‘imaginative’ tax-avoidance schemes. And sucking up to Russian oligarchs (and their money).


"But I don’t think we should concentrate on a few minor misdemeanours. What the public really wants to know is how I am making the UK great again. This is of course not easy after 12 years of Tory misrule – oops I meant challenging global trading conditions.


"However after the four previous lazy, deadbeat, incompetent, ‘economical with the truth’ and batshit incumbents, voters will hopefully realise the sunlit uplands are just around the corner”.


First published 30 March 2023




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Britain Poised for Anarchy as Government De-clarifies Rules



Experts are warning that Britain is facing a ‘law and order freefall.’ Paul, 12, Professor of Behavioural Science at the University of Westward Ho! has cautioned his local MP that Armageddon may also follow suit.


‘The problem is that we have lived with shifting sands for too long,’ he explained. ‘Nobody knows where they stand anymore. This leads to a growing feeling of “sod it. I’ll just do what I want.” Before you know it, McDonalds has run out of ketchup, Freddos have gone up to £8.49 and the Four Horsemen are competing at the Horse of the Year Show.'


Like most people in Britain, Paul blames the Government. He also believes that they have melted the distinction between right and wrong to the point that it’s just a runny marmitey-goo of lawlessness. ‘One day we are only allowed to meet one person in another bubble and the next it’s full wine and cheese with people you don’t want to know. One day the Foreign Secretary is encouraging us to take up arms against tyranny and join a foreign legion; the next, holding a peaceful vigil gets you violently arrested. There is just no logic to it.’


Paul’s sentiments are echoed right across the country. Michael from Bideford is reeling from a letter received from his daughter’s school. ‘Apparently, they are not allowed to take in chainsaws anymore, but fruit is somehow OK. We just don’t know whether we are coming or going. It’s the End of Days.’


Author: helenrushworth


Previously published 28 March 2022




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Serial killer avoids jail by swapping party




His lawyer explained: 'My client has an horrendous record of evil doing, coupled with countless tirades of hate speech, but in joining the Labour Party he is absolved of all prior wrong-doing. Who cares if he has spent his entire working life chopping up children, we need to forgive and forget, and accept him as the new Shadow Minister for Schools.'


An undistinguished list of right-wing nut jobs have recently abandoned the Tory Party for Labour, in the hope of finding kindred spirits. Said one MP: 'I'm an anti-imigrant, Brexiteer, with shares in oil, arms and strangling puppies. If anything I'm too woke for Labour.'


Starmer has said he would welcome with open arms any politician, provided they can stop frothing at the mouth for two seconds. The killer admitted: 'I don't really know much about politics, I just like murdering stuff. But I felt right at home when Sir Keir explained his policy on Gaza.'


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