Fireman Sam will not resign despite arson charges

Fireman Sam has confirmed that he will not be resigning from the Pontypandy Fire Service, despite being charged with multiple counts of arson and just over 40% of his colleagues saying they'd be better off without him.

The senior firefighter has been dogged by controversy in recent months after it emerged he had deliberately started a number of blazes at the same time he was appearing in public information films promoting fire safety to the community. A recent vote among other firefighters saw almost half of them say he should resign, a result his few remaining allies described as "a convincing victory".

"While I accept and am humbled by the arson charges I truly believed that pouring petrol over Bella's Cafe and setting it alight was within the rules at the time. I now take full responsibility, have learned a valuable lesson and would like to move on, quickly." said Sam, who had initially claimed that he did not know about any fires, despite having been in charge of putting them out.

When video subsequently emerged showing Sam attending the fires he admitted he did know about them but had only been there to help fight them. Text messages were then discovered showing that he discussed starting the fire, at which point he conceded that he may have set the Cafe on fire a little bit, but that he thought it was OK to do so.

"Look, I understand that some people are upset about this, but focusing incessantly on the past isn't going to help anybody. It's time to move on and concentrate on what matters most to the public today. Like the fact that the local shop is currently on fire." said Sam, tucking a box of matches back into his pocket.

Image: dmncwndrlch | Pixabay

Johnson spin doctors to take control over booing

The recent events that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has attended have included a cappella 'boos' from the crowd. In an attempt to connect with the 'ordinary person' the Prime Minister and his spin doctors have decided that the 'boos' are now an integral part of his persona. Consequently he has decided to bring 'trustees' along to all personal appearances and have them 'boo' if no-one else bothers.

'I have a lot of experience of 'bring your own boos' parties, said the Prime Minister today.

Save Big Dog! Declare War!

With the Cabinet Room table creaking under the weight of dead cats and empty wine bottles, Boris Johnson has decided to have a nice little war to save his skin and take the heat off the upcoming investigation by the Parliamentary Standards Committee. It's a well-known alternative fact that the UK cannot change PM during a war, even though it has several times. The war itself will be a nice, easily winnable, TV friendly war fought against a small third world country selected at random – bad luck Benin.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘The war in Ukraine is at arm’s length. We need to get stuck in ourselves and cause unnecessary pain, suffering and death until Boris is somehow in the clear and his approval ratings are high enough to win the next election. Bozza will have blood on his hands – again – but this time most of it will be from foreigners with dark skin, which actually appeals to the Tory base.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘I think I'm still drunk from last night, who did we declare war on? Well, at least any fleeing asylum seekers being sent directly to Rwanda won’t have as far to go, which is environmentally friendly. And the UK invading an African country for no reason is very much on-brand. BoJo has always had the air of a cruel provincial governor in the age of the Raj. As we’re invading somewhere, best to let the British Museum know too – those displays don’t fill themselves.'