Ukraine plot twist - it was all a dream

Keir Starmer and President Zelensky have agreed to use the Pam Ewing peace plan. With this plan, Russia withdraws to its borders, the last 50 years never happened, and Bobby Ewing becomes head of NATO.

Continuity-wise, this means erasing the Putin storyline, but Zelenskyy said he has no problem with that. The entire misstep of the provoking the Russians will be put down too much cheese the night before. The fever dream will allow the show to run for another season-at least until winter kicks in.

Critics have said that the Pam Dream Plan is not plausible, but supporters point out that neither was a Ukraine victory. Some say it is not canon, but Zelenskyy is not very keen on any kind of canon. Meanwhile, the Trump Peace Plan will be repurposed for the EastEnders Xmas special, where everyone dies.

Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Trump plan promises peace in Eurovision in 24 hours

President Trump says that he will use America might, negotiating skills, and tariffs, to bring peace to Eurovision ‘in 24 hours’.

‘We have some spare capacity, as things are progressing very well with Russia, Ukraine, Israel, Palestine and FIFA,’ said the President. ‘My plan is a very good plan, and it will bring peace very quickly. Although I must remind everyone in Yerp, and Israel, that delivering the 24-point plan will require concessions about territory and mineral rights on all sides, and the payment of aggravated damages to the USA.  I haven't talked to any of the nations involved, as I find that people often just raise petty and irrelevant points.  Because the US is independent, and not part of Yerp, we can see more clearly how to resolve the conflicts at the heart of Eurovision.

The envelope bearing the first draft of the plan is believed to be no bigger than C5 in size and probably brown. Sceptics don’t believe that the plan actually has 24 points. More like nul points, they suggest. And journalists are keen to know if Donald Trump has signed the envelope, as this would leave little remaining space for the plan itself.

The plan is believed to include the readmittance of Russia to the Eurovision contest, the cancellation of all gay, woke DEI nonsense, including banning Pride flags, and a requirement that the USA is allowed to compete, and to be guaranteed a top three place. Telephone voting would be organised by the USA, with only Trump Phones being considered secure enough to deliver billions of votes reliably.  Eurovision would be broadcast in England by GB News, and not by the fake-news-BBC.

A proposal that Greenland should not be allowed to compete has upset Denmark, but the President has said that ‘you can’t make an omelette without breaking heads.’ He also apparently said that Denmark was ‘only small’ and therefore 'shouldn’t make a fuss.’

American contractors are on standby to realise Trump’s dream of a new, supercharged and successful Eurovision resort, funded by American banks and returning super-profits to the US of A. There are rumours that Donald Trump has set up a new arms-length construction company to bid for the work.

In promoting the initiative, White House spokesman said, ‘The very excellent Eurovision Peace Plan will help the Eurovision brand to a great brand, by concentrating on monetisation instead of jiggery-wokery, an undemocratic voting system, and bands that pointlessly perform in languages that Americans don’t understand.’

Image credit: perchance.org

Nobel and FIFA to swap roles

The worlds of international football and random selection of activity prize-giving have collided and been shaken up with the news that the Nobel Committee and FIFA are going to swap roles from now on.

The Nobel Committee are taking over international football tournaments, starting with the 2026 men's World Cup, but soon to include regional competitions like the European Championships, African Cup of Nations and the Copa America. Nobel has denied that they will grant Norway automatic qualification, at least not for the Copa America.

Meanwhile FIFA are following their innovative award of a Peace Prize to Donald Trump with a Gastronomy prize to be awarded to Luis Suarez, and an Economics prize to Michel Platini.

A spokesdemon denied that awarding a peace prize to Trump would earn FIFA bosses a spot on hell, saying that 'we've been keeping seats warm for everyone on the board of FIFA for years.'

Image credit: perchance.org