Tories promise to allow pensioners to 'thwack the young with sticks'

A new Conservative Party election promise will make it legal, maybe even compulsory, for old people to thwack young people with sticks. Should the young person resist, they will be jailed indefinitely and their vote transferred to the pensioner whose attack was illegally thwarted.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers salivated 'It's the only language they understand. Maybe we can beat the hope out of them. Once they've abandoned hope, they can enter here - Tory Britain that is.'

Pensioner Ian Ingram shouted 'The Tories promised me eternal youth, so I'll vote for them.'

Teenager Oscar Oldroyd said 'Public services are grinding to a halt, I'll never be able to afford a house and there are rivers of actual turds. You want to hit me with a literal stick as well? Fire away, Grandad. Fire away.'

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Electorate rejoices at budget

Scarcely had Chancellor Jeremy Hunt had sat down, the electorate stood as one and cheered.

'Infrastructure is going to be improved,' shouted a trader at Canary Wharf, who now realises he can cut his Oyster Cards costs to next to nothing once he buys a prime piece of real estate next to his workplace as his work locality is levelled up.  'Hell, I may even start to work from home and still meet up with the team in the pub at five,' he said.

'Thank the Lord we don't have to recalculate our income stream,' shouted millions of pensioners, relieved that NI, not income tax, was being reduced.  The sentiment was echoed by the millions of zero hour, part time minimum wage workers who admitted it really didn't matter which tax was reduced as they don't pay either.  The government has rightly branded these low paid workers as tax avoiding scroungers.  But not during the budget, obviously.

'It's about time the government did something about these loaded millionaires taking advantage of the multiple purchase stamp duty exemption scam,' mumbled a man in a suit stood at the despatch box during the budget, admittedly after taking advantage of the 'scam' for about thirteen properties before the rule was changed.

The HSE noted that they would have warned the Chancellor to duck as he left the House of Commons due to the lack of fiscal headroom he has left himself, or more likely Rachel Reeves, but the lack of investment in publicly funded bodies precluded anyone being available.

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Child Fagans Run Riot in Grantham

Children as Young as 5 Exploit Elderly Pensioners for Crime Spree!

In a harrowing revelation, our investigative team has unearthed a dark and disturbing tale of juvenile delinquency and exploitation. A gang of children, some as young as 5, has been using vulnerable pensioners, some as old as 75, as criminal pawns.

In a reverse Oliver Twist horror scenario; petty robberies, shoplifting sprees, and car thefts were among the heinous acts perpetrated by these pensioner victims at the nefarious whim of their tiny captors.

Our intrepid journalists delved deep into the underbelly of the East Midlands town of Grantham to bring this shocking story to light. Speaking to witnesses and law enforcement, they uncovered a series of criminal acts that left the community in a state of shock and disbelief.

Unwitting Targets of Juvenile Deceit

Among the victims was Mrs. Evelyn Thompson, a frail 72-year-old widow who fell prey to the nasty nippers. "I never thought children could be so wicked," she tearfully recounted. Mrs. Thompson became a victim of their deceit when she was lured into believing that these youngsters were helping her carry groceries home. Instead, they managed to convince her to take the money from the Women’s Institute cake and coffee fund. She said, “they were so convincing.” They told her that they needed the money for school books. After pressurising her to steal the money they waited outside, menacingly circling the W.I> shed on their scooters.

Another victim, Mr. Harold Anderson, 75, was taken aback when he was first befriended by a group of what he thought were helpful youngsters but he was horrified when he was handed a badly written script and forced to go into a local shop and read it out loud. Mr Anderson doesn’t recall exactly what the script said but it along the lines of, “give me all your money or I’ll piss on your vegetables’ he recalls . I felt afraid to not do it. Suddenly they went from sweet and innocent to being terrifying little shits. “The younger ones were the worst,“ he wept.

As news of these appalling crimes came to light, the tight-knit Lincolnshire town sprang into action, showing compassion and care for the victims, rallying around the pensioners, offering support.

Unmasking the Motives Behind the Mayhem

Upper Lip reporters spoke with some of the children involved in this shocking crime spree. And though for legal reasons they can’t be named, their stories painted a bleak picture of too much time on their phones playing Fortnite. When they were asked whether they were from broken homes, or whether there was a lack of parental guidance they laughed and one of them sneered, “Nah man, my dad’s an accountant”. Another kid no older than 7 said “It was so funny making old people do stuff for us.”

Authorities have taken swift action in the wake of these revelations, ensuring that the children are held accountable for their actions. While criminal charges for such young perpetrators are unlikely, in an effort to teach the children the consequences of their actions the parents have taken the drastic measure of grounding them and supervising their activities.

The Local Council told us that they are opening new youth centres which offer mentorship programs and extracurricular activities, like table tennis and yoga, in a hope to divert their attention from crime and offer them positive outlets for their energy.

Influenced by crack and rap

As the town grapples with this unprecedented crisis, it serves as a stark reminder that society must remain vigilant in protecting not only the vulnerable elderly but also the impressionable young from the negative influences of computer games, rap music and the gateway drugs such as crack and vapes. .

There is increasing evidence to suggest that this is not an isolated incident and our team vows to continue investigating and uncovering the truth of these delinquent gangs across the country.

Let this be a wakeup call

Author: AlexCrisp

Image: Annie Spratt (@anniespratt) | Unsplash Photo Community