Ted Hastings told 'sucking diesel' no longer affordable

Line Of Duty's Superintendent Ted Hastings has been ordered by senior BBC executives to stop his practice of sucking diesel, as fuel prices continue to hit record levels. 

The go-to practice of Hastings, thought to involve a long piece of tubing attached to a car's fuel tank and used to demonstrate good progress in a tough AC-12 investigation, is to be outlawed with immediate effect, until oil prices begin to drop again. 

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey, this is a bloody nightmare, fella, let me tell you,' reported a flustered Hastings today.  'I mean what the hell do you expect me to do when things are going well? You'll be telling my granny to suck some eggs instead of diesel, I expect, will you, Sonny Jim? 

'Maybe we can suck on some of that lovely water coming up the Lagan in the interim, eh? Well, let's get on with it before I throw that there bloody book at you, followed quickly by the bookcase.' 

It is also thought that Hastings will not be permitted to 'cook on gas' either, as wholesale gas prices also continue to rise. 

'Unfortunately, we do need to control costs,' said a senior BBC executive. 'Ted's sucking diesel budget in series 6 of Line of Duty alone ran into the millions, and to be honest, it isn't good for his long-term vocal or gastric health.

'Don't worry, we've given him some more economical alternatives, so in series 7 viewers can look forward to Ted Hastings shouting excitedly that he's 'ingesting Hydrotreated Vegetable Oil' and that 'we're chugging on Biogas LNG'.  

Image credit: ChatGPT

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'Look, petrol is still 0.1p cheaper than next penny up', notes optimist

The petrol crisis isn’t as bad as it could be, as the price per litre is still a tenth of a penny below the next penny up, thanks to the benevolence of profit-making oil companies, noted a man today.

‘People should look on the bright side’, said Pete McBride, looking out of the window of his Ford Focus in a queue on the lead up to his local Esso garage. ‘The price per litre is still only 136.9, no wait, 137.9. People should thank their lucky stars that ‘big oil’ isn’t taking everyone for a ride by rounding the price up to the next penny every time they increase it. Look, 139.9.’

‘They’ve held the line for us, throughout, the big multinationals with their 0.9 thing’, continued McBride. ‘Even now that we’re facing the prospect of only being able to afford an eggcup of unleaded once a fortnight, you have to take your hat off to these oligopolists. They could easily just cream in the profits by nudging the price up another 0.1p but they never do. See, it's 141.9 now. Still looking out for the little guy. Respect to them. ’

‘The only problem is the time it takes people to pay. People are always fumbling around in their car seat wells for some 0.9 coins to pay with - they’re in such short supply’, said McBride. ‘Luckily I’ve perfected my forecourt technique so I manage to dispense to a full pence unit every time, I’ve actually never once ended up with 0.9 to pay’.

Image: Pixabay/stux

First published 1 Oct 2021

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US shoppers forced to choose between food and guns

US retail sales are under strain as shoppers grapple with rising costs.  Food prices continue to rise and gas is heading back up to five dollars a gallon.

Retailers say that shoppers are having to choose between heating, eating and shooting.  In many stores food sales are down, but sales of guns and ammunition are up.

'It's a bunker mentality,' said the quartermaster for a well-known chain of megamarts.  'Shoppers are thinking, what's the point in eating, if the US of A is overrun by commie loving left wing illegal immigrant traitors?  Guns and ammo are their top priority and everything else comes second.  You can't actually eat lead, but I believe that some hillbillies might be trying. They can't afford to heat their homesteads, but they know that if you fire off enough rounds, the gun will warm up and you can use it like a hot water bottle.  With the safety on, obviously.

'We are helping customers address the 'eat or shoot' dilemma by offering great deals, including promotions that link basic foods with armaments.  For example, buy twelve trifles, get a free rifle.  And buy a Magnum (ice cream or wine) and get a Magnum (pistol) free.  Our deal of the day is 'buy five shooters and get the six shooter free'.

'There was a riot in a competing store after it offered a ten dollar Saturday Night Special.  Shoppers became very angry when this turned out to be a deal on pizza and soda, and not a pistol with the serial number filed off.

'For our part, we are determined to offer the best value to our target market, which is undernourished gun-toting crazies,' he continued. 'We're massacring prices. You should get down here like a shot. Come and scope us out. We've got sights for sore eyes. We've got RPGs, and they ain't video games. And we've got the very best hardware, and I don't mean mops and buckets. Although we do have those too...'

image by grok

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