Never Again*' *Terms & Conditions apply

'We, as a nation, make a solemn promise never to allow a genocide - unless we start it. Never will we permit a people to be persecuted in the name of religion or ethnicity - excluding non-whites that talk funny.

'We give thanks to all those who liberated Auschwitz - but not the Russians. We remember all the survivors - all except the left wing ones. And all Nazis will be persecuted - unless they can help us build bombs, run our corporations or give cheeky salutes on TV.

'We will uphold international law - almost never. Protect children - rarely. And use Holocaust Memorial events as a photo opportunity - every f$ckin time.'

Photo by 卡晨 on Unsplash

Labour Ministers spend £1bn on High-Vis jackets

With echoes of the scandal surrounding Covid PPE contracts, millions have been squandered trying to make Keir Starmer look like Bob the Builder. Rumour has it that the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has a luminous vest made by Christian Dior and wellies made by Ugg.

No minister is permitted to appear on camera without an obligatory hard hat and a confused look, when ever offered a hammer. Yet no one has pointed out that wearing High-Vis and a suit just looks like you cannot be trusted to eat soup without spilling it.

One Minister defended the decision. 'Some have said we cannot boost the economy with austerity, but certain industries are booming. Take the hi vis jacket manufacturing sector, they're raking it in.'

Photo by John Kakuk on Unsplash

Heat wave articles must show scantily clad women, laughing in the park

As the mercury heads up, newspaper picture editors are focussing on pretty young women sunbathing and certainly not climate change seeing the world burn.

Photojournalist and pervert Warren Wright was sweating profusely because of the heat and his internalised misogyny. ‘They have to be girl-next-door types. White, obviously – got to think of that racist market. Nice tits, obviously – got to think of the pervert market. Ideally there’s a sprinkler in the background to give a hint of a wet t-shirt. And they should be laughing. But not reading. That gives the wrong impression. Also, no fat chicks and no dudes.’

Wright spied two unwitting female students and instinctively hid in a bush. His long lens was fully erect as he leered ‘Phwoar, what a scorcher. They’re 18 – probably – perfect.’

image from pixabay