Piers Morgan going door to door trying to offend people

Amidst news that his flagship primetime talk show on TalkTV has now dropped to fewer than 24,000 viewers, talk show host and professional walk-off merchant (Check whether this is a typo - Ed.) Piers Morgan has now taken to calling on unsuspecting members of the public at home in a vain attempt to cause some confrontation and controversy.

Banging on doors in leafy St Albans, Morgan is prepared for any eventuality: carrying a case containing a steak baguette should a vegan answer; a Union Flag in case someone isn't looking forward to the upcoming jubilee; and a crucifix just in case he runs into Meghan Markle.

At his first house, Morgan draws a blank, meeting 89-year old Doris who remembers him from Good Morning Britain - and misses him on that - though she prefers Adil Ray who, 'speaks very nicely for a foreign.' However, at house number two he hits paydirt when the door is opened by Niall, a 36-year old freelance graphic designer, who has been working from home since the pandemic started. After a five minute rant about lazy millennials wanting it all, Morgan walks away puce-faced but satisfied someone has felt his wrath.

Speaking after the encounter, Niall remained upbeat, remarking, 'It was brief but kind of fun. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I'm pescatarian, or my pronouns are they/them, but I think he just needed to blow off some steam after being cooped up in that studio with only the crew to be angry towards. His producer gave me a release form to sign and reminded me to tune in tonight, but I think I'll stick to my repeats of Bake Off.'

Morgan says he plans to continue this one-man crusade to shock until his ratings recover. Failing that, he plans to increase the annoyance he can bring to Britain's doorsteps by becoming a Jehovah's Witness.

Image: NathanCopley | Pixabay

Government denies confusing messages as Brits leaving Ukraine forced to have PCR first

As restrictions from popular holiday destinations such as Tenerife, Barbados and Grimsby are lifted, and self isolation with symptoms reduced to twenty minutes, the government has determined that anyone leaving the Ukraine bound for the UK has to have two valid PCR tests showing negative or a validated donation to the Conservative Party of at least £50,000. With Russian tanks gathering and Piers Morgan threatening to become a foreign correspondent in the Ukraine, Brits are scrabbling to pull the £50k donation together as fast as they can as it is still cheaper than two commercial PCR tests for a family of four. 'We have to get out fast,' said one Brit, 'before they send Liz Truss in to embarrass us further.'

Corona Pcr-Test Pandemic - Free photo on Pixabay

Emma Raducanu’s success 'all down to Piers Morgan'

Good Morning Britain’s former gammon-in-chief Piers Morgan has taken full credit for teenage tennis sensation Emma Raducanu’s stellar performances at the US Open in New York, despite making a string of derogatory remarks after she retired at Wimbledon with breathing difficulties.

A spokesman clarified ‘Piers was happy to mansplain tennis, sports psychology and athleticism to Emma and now look at her. It’s only women’s sport, which Piers says is scientifically not as good as men’s, but he’s always happy to watch short-skirted teenage girls sweating, screaming and grunting.’

A former GMB insider commented ‘Ironically, Piers used to get breathing difficulties every time he pretended to storm off the GMB set. He wouldn’t come back on immediately because he needed a sit down and a biscuit.’ Raducanu’s coach unofficially confirmed that his last piece of advice before the qualifying rounds started was about Morgan. To be precise, he said she should imagine the tennis ball was Morgan’s face.

Born in Canada to Romanian and Chinese parents, Raducanu has lived in the UK since she was two years old, presenting traditional tennis-loving racists with a dilemma. Two Daily Express headlines have been prepared for the morning after the final depending on the result: 'Queen Emma takes New York – how Meghan tried to stop nation’s sweetheart’s triumph’ and ‘Did taxpayers fund teenage immigrant’s New York tennis-losing jaunt?’

A Daily Telegraph photographer sleazed ‘Never mind where she’s from. She’s 18, just done her A-levels, she’s wearing a tiny skirt and she jumps a lot. Jackpot.’

Image: Ichigo121212/Pixabay