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I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight


'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.


'Vance, Witkoff and Jared simply don't have my peaceful instincts and finely-tuned negotiating skills - like demanding things and then shouting threats when I'm denied them.


'I would have been there at the talks myself to pull off the world's greatest ever peace deal like you wouldn't believe, but I had to be here watching UFC bouts for an entire evening with thousands of other blood-thirsty morons.


'Besides, I couldn't go for religious reasons. They tell me they don't allow pigs in Pakistan, and I'm a total pig.'


Too many houses still made of straw, say three little pigs

A committee of three little pigs today published their long-awaited report on the straw house disaster of 2017.


”It’s shocking that even now, new houses are being built of straw,” said Pinky. “Have we learned nothing from this tragedy? Or do the lives of little pigs just not matter compared to saving money?”


He went on to say that a proposed compromise, building houses of sticks, would also not be adequate to keep out the big bad wolf, and bricks were needed.


”Really, all this absurd talk of a big bad wolf,” smiled Housing Minister Fenrir Lupine, picking his teeth with his claws. “I can assure you no such creature exists. And frankly it doesn’t help to stigmatise a marginalised community who would be doing no harm at all even if they existed, which they don’t.”


He nevertheless agreed to further talks, even offering to visit the little pigs in their homes and bring apple sauce as a peace offering. This was condemned as treacherous by Little Red Riding Hood, before realising she was in the wrong story.




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