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Police forces across the UK were reporting the quietest Saturday afternoon in recent years today. Football matches passed off without any incidents, and violence and road rage was at an all time low.


"It's a mystery" said DI Dixon of Lutonshire Constabulary. "Normally we have our hands full of drunken yobs on Saturday afternoon, but today, nada. It's lovely."


However, we cannot be sure this was the story across the entire UK, as the London Metropolitan police did not answer our calls, with a recorded message describing them as "exceptionally busy right now".

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"We are taking into custody one Ena Sharples, 73 years old, of Arnos Grove," WPC Merkava of Hampshire Police told reporters outside the woman's Portsmouth home, "on suspicion of having a cat called Palestine Action.


"Neighbours told us she renamed the animal in August and since then has been coming out of her house with a handful of Dreamies every day and shouting 'Palestine Action!' repeatedly, up and down the street.


"You don't get round the Anti-terrorism Act that easily. Besides, we on the force think Palestine Action is a stupid name for a cat.


"We are also confiscating Ms Sharples' goldfish, Shining Path, and three white mice which she says are the Baader-Meinhof Red Army Faction. I honestly believe this old lady has a screw loose.


"People should give their pets law-abiding, inoffensive names," WPC Merkava continued, as a Hampshire Police SWAT team battered down Ena Sharples' front door.


"For example, I have two rottweilers called Mossad and IDF."


image from pixabay

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