Police give up search for missing golf ball

After five days and with the light fading, Gloucestershire Police conceded that the ball has vanished without a trace. Over one hundred officers were drafted in from neighbouring constabularies. With the help of helicopters and bloodhounds, they covered a twenty-mile radius,

Said the golfer: ‘I’d only hit the ball 500 yards into thick jungle, so I fully expected to find it. After a cursory five-minute search, I notified missing persons and the coast guard – just to be on the safe side.

‘I haven’t ruled out kidnapping by international sex traffickers or it might have fallen down a rabbit hole, you just don’t know. I’ll never give up hope of finding it or of getting a birdy on the 16th.’

The golfer’s next of kin has been notified. Although his wife said, that since he took up golf, he had also been missing for the last ten years.

Image: halodesigner | Pixabay

Liverpool police apologise for arresting victim of attempted shooting

Liverpool police investigating the murder of a 9 year old girl were today left with egg on their faces when it was revealed they’d arrested the man the gunman was trying to kill, not the gunman himself.

“When witnesses said he was the victim, I thought they meant in the Hillsborough sense ie the person who’d committed the crime,” explained Detective Inspector A.A. Calmdown.

“Anyway, doesn’t ‘victim’ mean anyone from Liverpool?” added his assistant, DS Curlyperm.

However, both officers stressed that they were confident they would soon have the guilty man in custody, “at which point we can begin the process of endless public enquiries and commissions to show it wasn’t his fault. Unless of course he turns out to be a Mancunian.”

Image: aitoff | Pixabay

Criminals demand prior notice of raids, arrests and stakeouts

American criminals are demanding at least 48 hours notice of any raids, arrests or stakeouts.

'How are we supposed to hide things if we don't get any notice?' asked a career criminal living in Florida believed to called Ronald Dump.

"Fingers" McGraw of New Jersey agreed. 'It would cut crime; I would never have stolen that car if I'd known the police were watching.'

Alex Jones agreed. 'If only I'd been warned that breaking the law was illegal, I wouldn't be in this mess.'