Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

'Using poster paints in multiple easy-to-distinguish colours,' said a spokes-brush for Dumb Cop Art Ltd, 'we're teaching the hundreds of Hampshire Police officers with IQs below 75 how to spot which one of two people has been seriously injured and which one is holding a deadly weapon.

'They can take their work home at the end of the day and put it on the fridge door.'

At press time, the spokes-beret was reporting that dozens of junior officers had just about got the point but that, worryingly, the penny was still not dropping for officers of Assistant Chief Constable rank and above.

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay

Meanwhile, on the streets of Minneapolis ...

The Greater Manchester Police travel agency

Dear happy holidaymaker,

In a first for British policing, the Greater Manchester force is offering an electrifying start to your holiday.

What would you normally be doing while waiting two hours between check-in and boarding? Drinking a cup of coffee you didn't want at Costa?

Well now, you can arrange your flight through us at Manchester's Lubyanka Airport and experience the thrill of witnessing armed police officers kicking and stamping on the heads of youths while a screeching, bossy boots WPC points a taser at your head and tells you to 'get back!'

You don't get that kind of action at Stansted or Gatwick. Well, not yet.

And Saturday nights are gala nights at Manchester Airport, with special guest Charlotte Dujardin, CBE, whipping holidaymakers repeatedly around the departure hall while shouting: 'These are sh** at hitting hard.'

Booking your holiday flight through Greater Manchester Police will make you extra happy to get the hell out of the UK - to somewhere quite nice like Sweden or Switzerland, where suspects don't get thrown to the ground by armed police and kicked repeatedly until their feet get tired.

Picture credit: Wix AI