Save Big Dog! Declare War!

With the Cabinet Room table creaking under the weight of dead cats and empty wine bottles, Boris Johnson has decided to have a nice little war to save his skin and take the heat off the upcoming investigation by the Parliamentary Standards Committee. It's a well-known alternative fact that the UK cannot change PM during a war, even though it has several times. The war itself will be a nice, easily winnable, TV friendly war fought against a small third world country selected at random – bad luck Benin.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘The war in Ukraine is at arm’s length. We need to get stuck in ourselves and cause unnecessary pain, suffering and death until Boris is somehow in the clear and his approval ratings are high enough to win the next election. Bozza will have blood on his hands – again – but this time most of it will be from foreigners with dark skin, which actually appeals to the Tory base.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘I think I'm still drunk from last night, who did we declare war on? Well, at least any fleeing asylum seekers being sent directly to Rwanda won’t have as far to go, which is environmentally friendly. And the UK invading an African country for no reason is very much on-brand. BoJo has always had the air of a cruel provincial governor in the age of the Raj. As we’re invading somewhere, best to let the British Museum know too – those displays don’t fill themselves.'

‘Monkeypox a Brexit dividend’ insists Rees-Mogg

Brexit minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the outbreak of monkeypox here in the UK saying it is clearly a Brexit dividend and should be seen as a triumph and not something to be concerned about.

‘The joy of having monkeypox is that you need to isolate for up to 21 days….which means the chances of contracting Covid are massively reduced. It's a win-win situation for all Brexit loving Brits. The spread of monkeypox would not have happened had we still been in the EU and we would not have been able to benefit from it as we are today’ said the Somerset MP. 'It also means there is another huge demand for expensive PPE….and we all know what that means.'

'The risk of infection is not great at the moment but with the NHS struggling to meet demand for even the most routine of appointments it is sure to explode soon', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Infections are highest amongst sexually active people like sex workers, drug users, promiscuous sex addicts, multiple sex partners, swingers and Tory MPs….so most of you will be fine for now.'

'But that is about to change. As Minister for Brexit Opportunities I can see the potential for massive potenital for anybody with the right connections', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Anybody needing PPE should contact one of our providers…..like one of the off-shore companies I manage or trade shares in.'

'Would you like my cousins phone number....tell him Jake sent you'.

Government 'up in arms' over 'other people in authority knowingly breaking the law'

The government has today expressed serious concerns about P&O boss Peter Hebblethwaite 'knowingly breaking the law.

'People in authority shouldn't assume the laws of the land don't apply to them if they are inconvenient,' said a government spokesperson. 'They have to understand, we're all in this together. Laws are made so that they all apply to to everyone, regardless of their status, wealth or standing in the community.'

The spokesperson agreed that someone knowing breaking the laws should resign 'immediately'. When asked if that statement applied to government ministers, special advisors and senior Civil Servants the spokesperson appeared to have a coughing fit and hasn't been seen since. We'll bring you the rest of this news story as soon as Hell freezes over, or Sue Gray's report gets published, whichever is the soonest.

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