Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen.

An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer football to war.' The nature of warfare and refereeing has changed significantly, so even goal celebrations are paused while drones confirm that the joy is justified. 'From now on, substitutions wo;; require clearance from three aerial units, and every throw-in will be treated like a low-stakes border crossing.'

Military-grade target tracking will finally answer the difficult questions. Was it a handball or weapons of mass destruction? VAR officials will now say 'confirm visual' instead of 'hang on, still checking'. And a disputed penalty will trigger a full intelligence briefing. But ultimately, after spending billions of pounds on the technology, MOD VAR will still take four minutes and will still get it wrong, anyway.

Image credit: ChatGPT