Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

'People are slating the president for making himself out to be Jesus in a picture,' said a spokes-priestess for the White House. 'But Jesus is the fraud and Donald Trump's the real deal.

'You want miracles? Donald's got miracles for you. It's a miracle he got 75 million people to vote for him. It's a miracle he's not in jail. And it's a miracle that the assassins keep missing him with their bullets.

'What's more, we can prove Donald's the real Jesus because every time he says something, people mutter 'Jesus!''

'Fake news!' said Jesus Christ, speaking from the right hand of the Father. 'I have the best miracles. And parables. I have parables like you wouldn't believe.

'But I grant you this about Donald,' continued the Saviour of Mankind. 'He's really going to get crucified in the mid-term elections.'

Image: WixAI

Trump caught knocking on invisible door – again

Yet more pictures of Donald Trump raising a fist to knock on thin air have been revealed by the press, leading to further questions about his mental fitness.

'Wherever POTUS says there’s a door, there’s a door,’ said a White House spokesperson on Sunday. ‘Now f*** off back to your fakestream rag.'

But others have claimed that the doddering President’s hand gesture must mean something else. ‘He’s never knocked on a door in his life,’ said an anonymous former Miss World contestant. 'He always just burst in to perv on us. 'Nice knockers', he would say.'

Geriatric authoritarian specialist Dr John Smith commented, 'In his first term he often managed to recognise doors. His current behaviour could be merely a medication side-effect – or he’s just living in an alternate reality.'

Image: WixAI

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'.

Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies:

Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not be filling the holes with any more pot. Yours recreationally, AI.

Dear Colin, thank you for your letter about dog mess. No-one likes a messy dog. Have you considered dog grooming to tidy them up? Yours thoughtfully, AI.

Dear Brigadier, thank you for your shouty voicemail about speeding motorists. This is a matter for the rozzers. Our data suggests that when the rozzers set up speed traps they mostly catch local drivers, so you have been warned! In addition, the council is considering lowering the speed limit to 10mph. I hope we can count on your support. Your obedient servant, AI.

Dear Swampy, thank you for your letter about the climate emergency. We can all do our bit by reusing candle ends, using recycling bind correctly and by planting more forests. And also by growing your own veg, although there is currently a nine-year wait for an allotment. The council is committing to reducing this wait, subject to the availability of resources. Why not turn your heating down by one degree? The council is committed to achieving net-zero by 2065. The longest journey starts with a single step change. Your philosophically, AI

The residents did admit that although the AI replies were unhelpful and off-topic, they were actually better than those produced by the (now sacked) humans.

Image credit: perchance.org