Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.

The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.

He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.

The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.

The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.

A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.

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Homer releases new epic called The Trumpyssey

Ancient Greek author Homer has released his first epic for 3,000 years, called the Trumpyssey.

The story, written in the author's signature dactylic hexameter, tells of how King Trump is lured into the Persian Gulf by the Sirens of Likud along with his ship of fools - Vance, Hegseth, Witkoff, and all the deranged hayseeds who attended his rallies.

Trump then spends years trying and failing to extricate them all through the Strait of Hormuz.

Every day, he claims he is 'very close' to a deal with the Persians which will get him out of the situation into which he moronically pitched himself . But he is trapped between a rock and a hard place: the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps and his own monstrous ego - meaning that he manages only to go round and round in circles for years.

Finally, King Trump's crew mutiny and make him walk the plank - ie. his gormless son-in-law Jared Kushner.

Watch out for a Cameo appearance from King Trump's vile acolyte Nigel Farage, the mythical One-Eyed Trouser Snake of Clacton.

An apology: When this story was first published, we incorrectly said that Homer wrote in iambic pentameter, a writing style more usually associated with William Shakespeare. Homer, of course, usually wrote in dactylic hexameter. We are happy to set the record straight and apologise for the error, a lapse from the high standards to which we aspire.

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That five million pounds: an explanation

The five million quid was a gift to guarantee my security. I bought an expensive house, because it would be easier to secure, and I bought some of those switches to turn the lights on and off to make it look like you're at home.  And I need the rest of the money for my other safe houses. I can't say where they are, I'm afraid.  At least one of them is in Britain.  I needed security because I wasn't going to be an MP, and lots of people were very upset about that.

The money also covers dry cleaning for my suits - getting out banana milkshake, for example.

No, wait. It's a reward for achieving Brexit. 27 years work. That's only £185k a year. Not that it was a payment.  It was a non-taxable reward - for me, not the country.  It is a reward for things that I've done in the past. There is no expectation that I might do anything in return, in the future.

Actually, it was a lottery win. No, I didn't keep the ticket. Yes, it was a British lottery. Definitely not EuroMillions.

I found it in the street in Westminster. I took it to the police, but nobody claimed it, so it's mine.

I won it, after betting on myself to win I'm a Celebrity.

I earned it on Cameo, but I earned it outside the country so it's not taxable. That's what Angela told me, anyway.

I had a really valuable Pokémon card, which I sold for five million quid.  A picture of a lizard that evolves into a toad, or something.  It was called Chameleozard, I think. That's where the money came from.

It's not my money, it was just resting in my account.

Can we talk about something else now?

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