As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk...
Over by Easter
An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1
Over a Barrel
Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter, a little slow out of the gate but looks to have staying power. Blinkered worldview limits popularity though. 50-1
Mission Accomplished
According to his owner, this horse has already won the Grand National, and will continue to win the race on a daily basis until well into 2027. The horse has blinkers, so that it can't see all the mad and ridiculous stuff that's going on around it. 200-1
Tesco Ready Meal
Very long odds on this one. The horse is past its prime and betting is focussing on how far round it will get before the inevitable visit from a friendly vet with a double-barrelled shotgun. Sired by Everyday Essentials Lasagne out of Nagetti Bolognese. 2000-1
Thames Water
A controversial entry that has already been fined for leaking its own stamina. Spectators are advised to stay upwind, as the jockey is easily identifiable in his signature 'all-brown' silks—which the owners insist are 'organic highlights' and definitely not a discharge violation. 100-1
Keir Today Gone Tomorrow
The bookies' favourite for the first half of the race, despite having the largest handicap in the field. Statistically impressive but tactically baffling, this horse has started nine races and finished none. It is famous for sprinting with immense conviction toward the first hurdle before performing a graceful U-turn and galloping back to the start to explain its ‘new direction’ to the disappointed punters. 200-1
Fly me to the Moon
At $4bn probably the most expensive horse in the race this year, and with an eye-catching strategy to slingshot into the final furlong using only gravity, and its rear thrusters - that's horse-racing lingo for hind legs. Popular with the punters and could go all the way round, as long as it doesn't get stuck in the paddock while taking a dump. 4-1
The Grand Old Duke of York
A Royal-owned stallion that cost £7 million in 'maintenance fees.' It is an amorous horse but is physically incapable of perspiring, even after a four-mile gallop. It has no memory of meeting any of the other runners in the field, despite several grainy photos of it at a stable in New Jersey. 500-1
Stop The Boats
A loud, white horse that makes an incredible amount of noise in the paddock but does nothing once the race starts. It was recently sold to a Russian Investment group and is the only runner in the field that blames the hurdles for 'provoking' its fall. 500-1
Broadcasting Standards
Ridden by Barry Brighton-Collins. Despite its name, Broadcasting Standards has consistently failed to stay professional, having been disqualified from several previous races for 'inappropriate physical contact' in the stalls and a general refusal to remain impartial near the fillies. 25-1
The Minimum Wage
Despite being the smallest pony in the paddock, this is officially the heaviest horse in the race. It carries the weight of the entire UK economy on its back and usually collapses under the pressure at the three-mile mark, just as the owners are announcing a 'record-breaking' success. 300-1
Remember: When the fun stops, stop. Something for us all to think about...
Based on an original idea by sirlupus and with contributions from deskpilot, scottfutile, and sirlupus
Image credit: Wix AI
