British Humour | NewsBiscuit

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

NewsBiscuit
May 11

May 2025

Back in May 2025. the Reform Party won 677 council seats out of around 1,600 up for grabs. Sound familiar? And a Chinese player beat the British player in the World Snooker final. Déjà vu?

And Council Tax went up by 5% and inflation went up. Is 2026 just 2025 on repeat? And the Bank of England cut interest rates. OK. Maybe not.

In the UK, the government announced 1,400 early prisoner releases so that we could punish more recent crimes, and Keir Starmer made one of his famous U-turns, this time on winter fuel payments. The government was under pressure on the two child benefit cap, but artfully delayed any action until November. And Britain signed a deal to hand over the Chagos Islands to Mauritius. That went well.

In international news, Europe (and a few Americans) celebrated the 80^th Anniversary of VE Day. And the UK agreed a ‘transformational’ trade deal with India – remember that? We’ve all certainly noticed the difference.

Here is a selection of our favourite NewsBiscuit stories from May 2025. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

Politics

Dr Seuss to publish Trump transcripts

Appalled by Trump, God to Expand Deadly Sins list

Trickle down economics definitely not just pissing on the poor

Lifestyle

Man pledges tough new 'one in, one out' policy on freezer items

Most women think about doing yoga a lot more than they do yoga

Your life to be used for training or quality purposes

‘You’re stuck with us’ confirm supermarket allegiance cards

Roofer does exactly the job he was hired for

Entertainment

Harry and Meghan's seventh wedding anniversary

Spaceship to recover lost TV episodes

Mission Impossible 9: The Multiplying MacGuffins

Other news

Drought hit areas to receive extra Bank Holiday

'Community Snipers' to be deployed against litterbugs

London Tower Block Charity Siege enters Third day

And some headlines

Politics

Trump claims crowds still booing Biden

Boris Johnson strongly supports Farage's plan to lift two-child benefit cap

Assisted Dying bill slipping away

Trump blasts corrupt Eurovision as US fails to win yet again

Two-child benefit cap to be scrapped, but third child to be taxed from six months

Digging gets underway to find Tories latest poll rating

Business and the economy

Bistro closes because all its servers are down

Deal to bring back MFI stores falls apart

Four in 10 universities face financial challenges - that's over 75%

Man puts tanning salon plans on the back burner

Struggling blinds company told - 'pay up or it's curtains'

New reservoir plans don't hold water

Other nonsense

Games teacher mistakenly celebrates the 80th Anniversary of P.E. Day

Police concerned over early prisoner release of former colleagues

Undercover officer still in bed

"Call The Midwife" film announcement premature, says BBC

Generous chimney seller tells customer: "It's on the house."

Mexican Navy ship crashes while captain looking for Gulf of Mexico on US map

Posh lady distraught after catching a common cold

Kid who swallowed magnets left in A&E on the fridge door

Image credit: deep dream generator

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

Sir Lupus
Apr 9

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk...

Over by Easter

An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1

Over a Barrel

Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter, a little slow out of the gate but looks to have staying power. Blinkered worldview limits popularity though. 50-1

Mission Accomplished

According to his owner, this horse has already won the Grand National, and will continue to win the race on a daily basis until well into 2027. The horse has blinkers, so that it can't see all the mad and ridiculous stuff that's going on around it. 200-1

Tesco Ready Meal

Very long odds on this one. The horse is past its prime and betting is focussing on how far round it will get before the inevitable visit from a friendly vet with a double-barrelled shotgun. Sired by Everyday Essentials Lasagne out of Nagetti Bolognese. 2000-1

Thames Water

A controversial entry that has already been fined for leaking its own stamina. Spectators are advised to stay upwind, as the jockey is easily identifiable in his signature 'all-brown' silks—which the owners insist are 'organic highlights' and definitely not a discharge violation. 100-1

Keir Today Gone Tomorrow

The bookies' favourite for the first half of the race, despite having the largest handicap in the field. Statistically impressive but tactically baffling, this horse has started nine races and finished none. It is famous for sprinting with immense conviction toward the first hurdle before performing a graceful U-turn and galloping back to the start to explain its ‘new direction’ to the disappointed punters. 200-1

Fly me to the Moon

At $4bn probably the most expensive horse in the race this year, and with an eye-catching strategy to slingshot into the final furlong using only gravity, and its rear thrusters - that's horse-racing lingo for hind legs. Popular with the punters and could go all the way round, as long as it doesn't get stuck in the paddock while taking a dump. 4-1

The Grand Old Duke of York

A Royal-owned stallion that cost £7 million in 'maintenance fees.' It is an amorous horse but is physically incapable of perspiring, even after a four-mile gallop. It has no memory of meeting any of the other runners in the field, despite several grainy photos of it at a stable in New Jersey. 500-1

Stop The Boats

A loud, white horse that makes an incredible amount of noise in the paddock but does nothing once the race starts. It was recently sold to a Russian Investment group and is the only runner in the field that blames the hurdles for 'provoking' its fall. 500-1

Broadcasting Standards

Ridden by Barry Brighton-Collins. Despite its name, Broadcasting Standards has consistently failed to stay professional, having been disqualified from several previous races for 'inappropriate physical contact' in the stalls and a general refusal to remain impartial near the fillies. 25-1

The Minimum Wage

Despite being the smallest pony in the paddock, this is officially the heaviest horse in the race. It carries the weight of the entire UK economy on its back and usually collapses under the pressure at the three-mile mark, just as the owners are announcing a 'record-breaking' success. 300-1

Remember: When the fun stops, stop. Something for us all to think about...

Based on an original idea by sirlupus and with contributions from deskpilot, scottfutile, and sirlupus

Image credit: Wix AI

NewsBiscuit: Best of March 2025

NewsBiscuit
Mar 16

March 2025

Back in March 2025 UK politics was still about ‘tough decisions’, with the government slashing some benefit payments, including personal independence payments (PIPs). It also scrapped NHS England because the Departnent for Health can do all of its work cheaper and better. There was an embarrassing prison escape which turned out to be less of a one-off and more of a regular thing. And three Bulgarians are found guilty of spying for Russia.

In the US, Donald Trump famously invited Voldymyr Zelenskyy to the White House, and was then extremely rude to him, with JD Vance egging him on. Donald’s well thought-through solution to the war was to give Russia large chunks of Ukraine as a down payment, until Putin could come back for the rest of the country. Donald continued to lay claim Greenland, and to moan about Mexico. Avian flu was running riot and Americans were moaning about the price of eggs. Meanwhile, on Netflix, Meghan Markle was just moaning.

In international news, beyond the things and places being messed up by the USA, the Pope was in hospital with pneumonia. Maybe that was America’s fault as well. And the BBC was criticised for serious flaws in a documentary about Gaza, prompting the usual calls for heads on sticks.

Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from March 2025. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

UK politics

Starmer to scrap NHS and England... sorry, NHS England

Welfare reform: parents to be responsible for their kids until they are 30

BBC welcomes exciting new bureaucrat to replace boring old bureaucrat

Wetherspoons fear profits could suffer under stricter PIP rules

American news

Updated Seven Deadly Sins from the King Trump Bible

Trump and Vance still can't agree who was ruder

2024 confirmed as 'stupidest year ever'

Existence of Ukraine main obstacle to peace, says Russia’s former Defense Minister

Updated version of 1984 published in US

Five things we've learned from Meghan's Netflix interview