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Those contradictory old proverbs. You know. On the one hand, you shouldn’t ‘look a gift horse in the mouth’. But on the other hand, ‘beware of Greeks bearing gifts’. Not helpful.


Apparently you are supposed to ‘paddle your own canoe’, which seems at odds with ‘two heads are better than one’. And ‘many hands make light work’, but ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’. It’s starting to seem like these proverbs were made up to justify whatever dumb thing someone was about to do.


Here is our second instalment of updated proverbs for modern times:


Absence makes the heart find someone else


It's better to receive than give.


The Evri cloud does NOT have a silver lining


A problem shared means two people have a problem


All's well that ends


Might may not be right, but it is always might


You don't necessarily get what you pay for, but you're very unlikely to get what you don't pay for


A journey of a thousand miles starts with one wrong step.


A problem shared is a laugh down the pub later.


From great Sycamores tiny seedlings grow


Give a man a fish; and you feed him for one day.  Allow him to own military grade weapons, let ICE agents murder his neighbours, and you've got a civil war on your hands.


If at first you don't succeed, start another, then another, party, then collect the has-beens and never-wases from a failed party and try again.


You can teach an old dog new tricks, but it might not remember them.


Least said, soonest re-elected



Contributors: Titus,  deskpilotbeau-jollysirlupusmodelmaker


Picture credit: perchance.org


January 2025


Yes, that’s right. It was only a year ago that Donald Trump was indicted as US President. Sorry, inducted. I’m getting ahead of myself. One of the new president’s first acts was to rename the Gulf of Mexico. It’s good to be clear about your priorities. And he blamed LA for setting itself on fire. And he was already trying to grab Greenland. Back then, Donald was still friends with billionaire donor Elon Musk. How times have changed. Elon had money to burn, and proved it by blowing up another of his rockets. Is it SpaceX or Ex-Space?


In UK politics, Keir tells Elon Musk that he’s ‘crossed a line’ by spreading lies and misinformation about grooming gangs on X. One year later, and we’re still waiting for Keir to do something about Elon and X. In Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon announced the end of her marriage to police favourite, Peter Murrell.


The state of the economy continued to be an issue in the UK. The PM’s solution was to big up the opportunities presented by AI, which we now know are mainly about making nude pictures of people. In the courts, a woman successfully contested fines of £2,000 for five minutes parking. She had been unable to pay because there was no mobile phone signal. In 2026, you have to pay that sort of money to drop someone off at the airport, and that’s apparently still legal.


In sport, Luke Littler was tilting for his first major title. Too many beers?


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from January 2025. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


USA News


UK news


Social issues


Other news



Headlines


US news

Trump and Musk prove two wrong 'uns do make an extreme right

JFK Assassination files recovered from Trump’s bathroom

Space between Trump’s ears renamed Gulf of America

LA residents regret using Tinder


The world of work

Australian tailor is making great strides

Bogus chiropractor was just pulling my leg

Criminal who represented himself doesn't do himself justice

Gardener put on gardening leave feels a bit hard done by


UK politics

Labour hope Artificial Intelligence can replace Actual Incompetence

Liz Truss adamant that the economy crashed into her

Nicola Sturgeon finally achieves independence


And finally...

Luke Littler - If I win, I’ll stop cutting my own hair

Supermodels call for third runway at London Fashion Week

Greenland offers to sell Denmark

Inventor of ultra-velcro said it was "hard to pull off"

Custard pies - do they strike you as funny?




Image credit: deep dream generator


Those wise old proverbs. Often helpful. But also often not so helpful. You know. On the one hand, you should ‘look before you leap’. But on the other hand, ‘he who hesitates is lost’. So – none the wiser then!


And there’s ‘out of sight, out of mind’, which seems at odds with ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. And ‘better safe than sorry’ seems to contradict ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’. It’s starting to seem like these proverbs were just made up by someone to justify whatever dumb thing they were about to do.


So we asked our intrepid correspondents to suggest proverbs that would be useful in modern times (2026 at the time of writing). Here is our first selection of their work:


You can't choose your family, but, with Power of Attorney, you can raffle them off on the dark web.


It's not big, and it's not clever, but it is funny. Do it again.


You can run, but you can’t hide - because you're running


Laughter may be the best medicine - but I'll take the prescription drugs, please


You take the high road, I'll take the low road and may our paths never cross again, which is fine by me.


Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, teach him how to fish, and he'll end up as one of those grumpy old buggers on the end of the pier


Talk loud and carry a bigly stick. The bigliest there is.


Patience is a virtue, but you're taking the piss now


The phrase "the will of the people" is often hijacked by frauds, liars, charlatans and mountebanks


You cannot gild a turd, but you can sprinkle it with glitter


When failure isn't an option, it's usually a certainty


Just because it feels right doesn't make it right - ask Rolf Harris

     

A lot of what you fancy does you better, but there may be health issues to face up to later



Conributor: deskpilot


Image credit: perchance.org

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