February Horoscopes by Mystic Max

Aries

The Great Bear is prominent in your chart this month. Resist the urge to streak at work.

Taurus

You will have an absolute belter of a month in February. An absolute corker! Make the most of it because everything goes downhill from there.

Gemini

An unexpected sequence of wardrobe malfunctions on the crowded 07:36 from Shawford has introduced you to a whole new social world, and a much more racy alternative to doing the crossword on the journey. We have obtained pictures and CCTV footage: expect us to contact you soon with regards 'reputation protection’.

Cancer

Great news! You can't put a foot wrong. Everything turns out well.

So if you could pass this on to your next door neighbours, that would be great. They don't read NewsBiscuit.

Thanks for that.

Leo

The Leper-King has wrested the Crown of Sighs from the House of Corrunel. The White Prince challenges the Were-lords of Shaddack whilst the sceptre of Yaros has been found in ruined Elbreth.

Pick the bones out of that if you can - I think it has something to do with your nan's bunions, but I'm pissing in the dark here.

This second-rate sub-"Game of Thrones" parody-bollocks is what passes as celestial guidance these days, honestly, we would be better off with an infinite number of monkeys.

Virgo

Virgos are often described as hardworking and practical, which are qualities that can be beneficial in leadership roles. But only if you don't keep dithering, Keir!

Libra

Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest.

Scorpio

Being typical of your sign, you are stubborn, headstrong and steer you own course through life.

Make up your own prediction, then ignore it, and save me the bother. Repeat next month. Sorted.

Sagittarius

That million pound lottery ticket that you can't find is in the back pocket of your jeans ... that you put in the wash yesterday. Who knows, you may be lucky twice. It may still be intact. 

Capricorn

A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.

Aquarius

Alas, the tall, dark, handsome stranger coming into your life will be employed by the local Court bailiffs. His brooding good looks and smouldering eyes will not really compensate for the loss of your 80" flat screen TV

Pisces

Your attempt to create a new clothing fashion will flounder badly. No-one is ready for crotchless lambswool biker chaps over spandex on the daily commute. Best stick with shabby chic or, in your case, just shabby.

Authors

Deskpilot: Aries

Flasharry: Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius

Lockjaw: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces

Simonjjames: Libra