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Doom 101


An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me.


The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed.


All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his Deer-Lost-In-The-Headlights tour. Which means that no one is paying any attention to the Doomsday Clock, the thing that encourages everyone to think about Armageddon.


The Doomsday Clock shows how close the world is to nuclear war, thus Armageddon, thus Doomsday. When it is set at 9 o’clock, everything is all rainbows and unicorns. When it hits 12, all life on earth goes to join the unicorns in the world of extinction. However, there are many issues with the Doomsday Clock.


  1. It’s not a clock. It is one quarter of a clock, displaying 9, 10, 11, and 12. 'The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock' would be a better name.

  2. The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock has no gubbins. It has no cogs, no pendulum, no ticky bits or tocky bits. It is just a quarter of a clock face. And it has only one hand. The hour hand.

  3. The hand on the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock is moved by a person, which is FAR too much power for any one person to wield. What if they have turned up for work and somebody has stolen their parking space? What if they have overslept and haven’t had a proper cup of tea? What if they have had to drive aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way to work behind a ruddy cyclist?


So, bearing all of this in mind, here is my four-step plan to prevent the end of the world.


1. STOP MOVING THE HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Someone completely trustworthy should move the hand back down to 9 o’clock

3. Lock the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock in a box

4. Launch the box containing the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock at the sun.


This would allow life to go on. And to go on harmoniously.


Thank you


Yours in justifiable terror


Lord Cumber Humberland of Chumbawumberland (Sr)



Image credit: perchance.org edited in WIX

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