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Putin looking at moving to a Bungalow



Due to the recent defenestration outbreak in Russian and surrounding Oligarch properties, Putin was seen leafing through single story property brochures. Using the excuse that having another floor is a decadent western excess and stairs are for Nazis, Putin wants to always remain at ground level rather than being accelerated into it at 9.81 meters per second. There are only so many trampolines, inflatable ball pits and old mattresses that can be positioned under windows around his dacha before a burnt-out Lada on bricks wouldn’t look out of place.


A source stated that a large dining room for Putin’s preferred table is also essential.



First published 28 April 2023


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Putin in talks to become the next James Bond



Sources in Moscow say the Kremlin is negotiating with the internet giant Amazon about President Vladimir Putin being offered the role as the next James Bond.


The idea has come as a surprise to Amazon, who now control the James Bond franchise, as Putin is not apparently known to have any acting skills, being capable of only one menacing expression which he has performed continuously since 1989.


It is understood that the current President has not had to compete with other actors for the part. Most actors would throw themselves at the opportunity to play James Bond but now risk mysteriously throwing themselves out of a window if they dare audition for it. Putin has told friends that he would feel at home playing an agent working for the British Secret Service since historically most of their best spies all turned out to be working for Russia anyway. As for the part itself, the Kremlin believes that Putin as the new Bond will leave audiences shaken and not stirred, although perhaps also but also frothing at the mouth depending on the dose of nerve agent involved.


Image: WixAI

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