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1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

Writer: Wrenfoe
Wrenfoe
6 days ago

The Defence Secretary made it clear that the UK should prepare for conflict and most people think starting with him is as good a place as any. Said one citizen as he rolled up his sleeves, 'I've no interest in fighting a Russian who I've never met, but there'll be a sizeable queue to wipe that smarmy expression off Streeting's spoon-faced bonce.'


The trouble is we now have 1,000 days of anticipation and so much good reason to knock his block off. One colleague advised, 'Try to memorize the periodic table backwards, forwards, and in alphabetical order by sound. Once you've mastered that, try reciting it while doing the Macarena. Even if that doesn't kill time, you'll be thoroughly confused by the end of it.'


Streeting is not the first Minister to volunteer for a beating, ex-PM Keir Starmer famously punched himself in the face with every policy announcement. Moscow is yet to comment on the new strategy, but it is understood Putin is willing to surrender the Ukraine just to stop Streeting's nasal whine. Readers can purchase a bespoke 1,000 calendar, which instead of ending with Xmas, ends with Boxing Day.


Image: WixAI

If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris

Writer: Sir Lupus
Sir Lupus
Jun 30



Boris Johnson is "powerfully attracted" to the idea of Vladimir Putin as a woman, an aide to the UK Prime Minister suggested today. 'Forget Ukraine, I'd be invading Vladimira! he was reputed to have muttered, applying a blonde wig filter to news photos of the Russian President on his phone while waiting to speak at a press conference at the NATO summit in Madrid.


'Boris was complaining that there aren't enough women at these summits,' said the aide, 'especially after the prime ministers of both Sweden and Finland refused his offer for "special negotiations". We've tried to spin this as appreciating women's roles as peacemakers, after all that's something that female leaders like Indira Gandhi and Margaret Thatcher were famous for.'


Rumours that a Tory donor has been approached to fund "an op" for Putin have been denied, but Downing Street refused to comment on reports that Mr Johnson recently made a Zoom call to Putin and opened it with the words "is that a tank in my pocket or am I pleased to see you?"



First published 30 Jun 2022


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Red Square Special Military Exercise Parade cutbacks

Writer: Titus
Titus
May 1

Putin's parade in Red Square will suffer cutbacks this year as most of his troops are busy fighting for their survival in Ukraine, in an easy-peasy 5-day special military exercise which has now been going on for 5 years.


Mr Putin, however, has apparently shown no great enthusiasm for this cut-down 'Victory Parade' to be re-named his 'Loser's Parade.'




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