Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.

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Gosport dog now relieved that the Navy appears to heve repelled Putin's assault on the south coast

A Jack Russell Terrierist who spent the last hour trying to warn its owners that Putin's ambitions for Ukraine extend to the south coast of Britain appears to be satisfied that Britain's excellent armed forces have been able to repel a Russian invasion and has now shut the fuck up with his barking.

His mate, a mackerel tabby, made a brief attempt at facepalming with an expression that suggested "Don't you know what time of the year it is you stupid mutt?" before jumping on top of the fridge freezer to be out of the demented dog's way.

An uncanny silence has now descended over Gosport, but Gosport residents aren't certain if this is because the war is now over, or because the barrage of noise has forever destroyed their hearing.

Professor M Odelmaker, who moved to the south coast to enjoy his final years of retirement in peace, rang the Ministry of Defence to verify there wasn't a threat of war and was told there is always a threat of war, which is why they need to ensure the nuclear arsonal never reaches its use by date; and that by exploding weapons close to the end of their life at this time of year, it will not be noticed.

Professor Odelmaker asked whether they might be used to greater advantage in SW1A 0AA, which is easily reached on the No 11 bus but was told it was a bit too close to Tufton Street, where objections had previously made over fears the racket would upset their parliamentary poodles.

The MoD did however say it would ensure the JRT received a mention in despatches for his bravery in the face of the enemy and was just the sort of nutter they are always on the lookout for.

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Putin is probably miffed, suggests Ukraine defence ministry

'We're guessing here, because Vlad doesn't respond to messages on our WhatsApp group anymore, that he's a bit miffed over the explosion on his bridge.' said a spokesman for the Ukraine defence ministry.

'Yup, it looks like he's taking the whole thing personally,' said another spokesman. 'Wait until he finds out we've left an unflushed turd in his toilet and apple-turnovered his bedding. We also swapped his salt and sugar around, put itching powder in all his underpants and ordered a penis enlarger to be delivered to the Kremlin in his name - he's going to be really grumpy tomorrow.'

Image: PublicDomainPictures | Pixabay