Doom 101

An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me.

The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed.

All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his Deer-Lost-In-The-Headlights tour. Which means that no one is paying any attention to the Doomsday Clock, the thing that encourages everyone to think about Armageddon.

The Doomsday Clock shows how close the world is to nuclear war, thus Armageddon, thus Doomsday. When it is set at 9 o’clock, everything is all rainbows and unicorns. When it hits 12, all life on earth goes to join the unicorns in the world of extinction. However, there are many issues with the Doomsday Clock.

1. It’s not a clock. It is one quarter of a clock, displaying 9, 10, 11, and 12. 'The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock' would be a better name.

2. The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock has no gubbins. It has no cogs, no pendulum, no ticky bits or tocky bits. It is just a quarter of a clock face. And it has only one hand. The hour hand.

3. The hand on the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock is moved by a person, which is FAR too much power for any one person to wield. What if they have turned up for work and somebody has stolen their parking space? What if they have overslept and haven’t had a proper cup of tea? What if they have had to drive aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way to work behind a ruddy cyclist?

So, bearing all of this in mind, here is my four-step plan to prevent the end of the world.

1. STOP MOVING THE HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Someone completely trustworthy should move the hand back down to 9 o’clock

3. Lock the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock in a box

4. Launch the box containing the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock at the sun.

This would allow life to go on. And to go on harmoniously.

Thank you

Yours in justifiable terror

Lord Cumber Humberland of Chumbawumberland (Sr)

Image credit: perchance.org edited in WIX

Trump attacked Venezuela to win cereal packet competition, reveals White House

'The plan to capture President Maduro of Venezuela and take over the country's government came to President Trump one morning after Christmas, when he was eating his usual breakfast of Acid Puffs and spotted a cool competition on the packet,' a federal spokes-gruppenfuhrer told the White House press corps.

'It said that the first autocrat to invade the whole set of South America countries could claim the grand prize: a day-glow orange garden parasol.

'The President said that the parasol would 'look great' on the concrete terrace he's built on top of the White House rose garden. Plus, we think it would really match his bizarre skin tone.

'Having collected his token for Venezuela, he's only got Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Paraguay, Peru, Suriname and Uruguay to go.

'The problem President Trump is currently grappling with is completing this sentence in 20 words: 'I want to bomb foreign countries and topple their regimes because... '

'So far, he's scrawled the words 'narco-terrorist' 90 times on the Acid Puffs box with a Sharpie, but we don't think that'll fly with the competition judges.

'What we'd say is that this daring raid by Delta Force into Maduro's house proves that while President Trump chickened out of serving in Vietnam, claiming some obscure problem with his feet, he can be really brave when it comes to risking other people's lives.'

At press time, Donald Trump was talking excitedly with Putin on the phone about the tremendous offer he'd seen on a packet of Nasties, which said that the first Russian dictator to invade all three Baltic Republics, plus Finland and Sweden, could win himself a borsht steamer.

Image: Wix AI

Putin approves the sale of spud guns

President Donald Trump has said that his promise to sell Ukraine thousands of Tomahawk missiles is withdrawn because when he asked President Putin, Putin just tapped a file marked 'Epstein' and shook his head.  So Ukraine aren't going to get the weapons that could potentially force a ceasefire, withdrawal and sudden fall for Putin from a high Kremlin window.  Instead a range of weaponry has been given the green light by Putin to allow the war to continue until everyone is killed, bored or Farage is Prime Minister, committing all of the UK to aid Russia.

'Spud guns are allowed,' a spokesman for the President said (either, you guess, it doesn't make much difference).  'We had them as kids and they really sting.  That's why the President wears thick layers of orange makeup/sits fifty foot away from the nearest person (delete as inapplicable),' he said.

Other weapons allowed are conkers on really long strings, not boiled or soaked in vinegar as that's 'really mean'.  Catapults are allowed as well, and the recent ban in the UK is going to provide a strong supply chain. Or supply elastic rubber bands. Chinese burns are going to be allowed, but not on North Korean soldiers.  Or Russians either.  Wedgies are permitted in small groups, as is the use of wet towels.

'The President is going to loosen the restrictions on hurty words,' said the spokesman, again not making it clear who was directing the instructions.  Acceptable hurty words include 'Фарадж является российским прихвостнем', 'Брексит — это российский заговор с целью свержения Запада', and 'Реформаторы — хорошие ребята для России'.  However 'Оранжеволицый хорёк из Соединённых Штатов Америки находится в файлах Эпштейна, и у Путина есть копия.'  is on the banned list.  For now.