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Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball


It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf.


What you do is fire off missiles at Iran in a totally unprovoked attack in tandem with Benjamin 'I'm on trial for corruption' Netanyahu.


When it all comes back on you, you ping wildly from one desperate strategy to another, such as: blockading Iranian shipping; bombing the Iranian coastline; making a peace deal; promising Iran $300bn of someone else's money; lifting sanctions on Iranian oil; cancelling the peace deal; reimposing the sanctions; charging 20% tariffs on shipments leaving the Gulf; bombing Iran again and attacking international shipping.


'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.


'All you have to do is be a sociopathic huckster who landed up in the world's most powerful post with hundreds of billions of dollars of weapons at your disposal, a massively inflated sense of your own abilities and zero knowledge of the Middle East.


'But you don't win any points in this game. Every move made in Trump Middle East pinball is completely pointless.'


Image: WixAI



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Biden repeats calls for new ‘shooty stick’ laws


What we need now more than ever is new laws to stop people getting their hands on um those, bang-bang weapons, ’ declared Joe Biden in a press conference this morning. ‘In the wrong hands these, er bullet-pointers cause far more misery than they prevent. That’s why I telephoned Former Ex President er Crumpet and asked him to support my plans to curtail those, er stick ‘em up machines which so many of my fellow Americans conceal in plain sight.




But former president Trump said he respected his assassin’s right to change world history by trying to kill him. ‘It’s everyone’s democratic right to try and shoot the president, Archduke or prime minister using the firearm of his or her choice, only to die in a hail of bullets fired by men who look like they belong in a Blues Brothers movie except for the hats. Whatever happened to hats, by the way? First thing I’m going to do when I become president is to make a law saying my Secret Service detail has to wear hats, except in the Opal Fruit office.’



Meanwhile a spokesperson for the US Secret Service said ‘How in hell did you find out about us? We’re supposed to be totally confidential! And sure we knew about the Crooks guy, we just thought he was gonna miss, that’s all. And frankly he very nearly did. And the ear thing never hurt that Dutch guy. Well I guess it did hurt him but not for that long. These things heal. Anyway it made him famous so what’s not to like?




President Biden later added ‘Shooty sticks is wrong. ‘Guts! No, that’s not right…Er gubs? No that was in a Woody Allen movie. Apparently the guy married his own sister. What is America coming to? What’s needed is a strong fearless President who can shoot straight and do the talking afterwards….Me?... You think so? Aw shucks, you’re just saying that. Well if you’re sure. Wait a minute: Putin! That’s the guy. Not the other guy.’



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First published 16 Jul 2024


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Iran may be lying to us, whisper nervous Trump aides

"We're beginning to suspect that when it comes to the Strait of Hormuz, Iran may be promising us one thing and doing another," a White House aide confided in a low voice.


"They promise they'll open it up but then terrorise ships into not crossing it without its permission, by blowing a few up.


"Now we have to find a way of breaking it to President Trump that Iran's leaders may have been pulling the wool over his eyes for several weeks on the trot.


"He hates that. He's always considered himself to be the biggest, fattest liar in the whole wide world. The slightest suggestion that someone might be out-goofing him is guaranteed to drive him crazy.


"What we're going to do is sign a new Memorandum of Understanding every time they break the last one. Every time we do, we'll tell Trump that he's cheated the Iranians real good this time.


"Our President loves been called a lying, cheating fraud, " said the aide, marching confidently towards the Oval Office. "He takes it as a compliment."



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