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Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him


'People are slating the president for making himself out to be Jesus in a picture,' said a spokes-priestess for the White House. 'But Jesus is the fraud and Donald Trump's the real deal.


'You want miracles? Donald's got miracles for you. It's a miracle he got 75 million people to vote for him. It's a miracle he's not in jail. And it's a miracle that the assassins keep missing him with their bullets.


'What's more, we can prove Donald's the real Jesus because every time he says something, people mutter 'Jesus!''


'Fake news!' said Jesus Christ, speaking from the right hand of the Father. 'I have the best miracles. And parables. I have parables like you wouldn't believe.


'But I grant you this about Donald,' continued the Saviour of Mankind. 'He's really going to get crucified in the mid-term elections.'


Image: WixAI

Got a shipping problem? Try new Block-Aid


I guess we've all had days when we've been trying to get some ships out through a tight exit but found it clogged up with Iranian mines and sea drones. That's where new Trump Block-Aid could come in handy. See if it's for you by reading the answers to these Frequently Asked Questions.


How does Block-Aid work?

Block-Aid closes the exit to the Gulf entirely to make Iran know there can't be any winners from the mess America made out there.


Who invented Block-Aid?

The Block Aid scheme was planned out over the course of 30 seconds by esteemed US President Donald Trump while watching a cage fighting match in Buttslam, Arkansas, after he'd totally run out of other ideas.


Are there any side effects?

Yep. Soaring fuel prices, seething public discontent and catastrophic losses for the Republicans in the mid-terms... hopefully.


What is Block-Aid meant to solve?

Solve? Nothing. Haven't you met our president? He doesn't solve things. He just gets off on throwing his weight around the place and worrying everyone stupid.


Block-Aid is available for a limited time only - until Trump gets bored of the war with Iran and decides to create some other ridiculous crisis.


Trump himself is refusing to eat any fibre until his arse explodes. Despite suffering from an Iranian blockage, he has opted to stuff himself with McDonalds and ignore all the rectal bleeding Tehran has given him.


This novel solution to constipation goes against medical and UN advice-which is to take your medicine and get off the crapper. To double down on an already compacted campaign is only going to end in tears and a torn sphincter.


The Strait of Hormuz is going to require a inspirational diplomatic solution or a very good plumber. Asked if the US would profit financially from the blockade, one General said, 'The President plans to make piles. Sadly in this case it means Haemorrhoids.'


H/T: Wrenfoe

Image: WixAI

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight


'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.


'Vance, Witkoff and Jared simply don't have my peaceful instincts and finely-tuned negotiating skills - like demanding things and then shouting threats when I'm denied them.


'I would have been there at the talks myself to pull off the world's greatest ever peace deal like you wouldn't believe, but I had to be here watching UFC bouts for an entire evening with thousands of other blood-thirsty morons.


'Besides, I couldn't go for religious reasons. They tell me they don't allow pigs in Pakistan, and I'm a total pig.'


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