Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out.

'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike.

'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that. Just my little joke. I expect those curtains are a goner.

'The Royals always favoured fabric wall covering - that's going to be an expensive mistake. Worst of all is that we've found black mould in seven of the bedrooms. You'd expect that on a council estate, but not here. I can't imagine Prince Philip putting up with black mould.

'The worst room was an antechamber, which was used as a TV room. We've cleared out a lot of pizza boxes - I can't tell you which brand, obviously. The grease has penetrated the wing backed sofa, and you wouldn't believe where we found pepperoni and sausage. Someone didn't like it, I reckon, and started throwing it around. Or maybe someone misunderstood the rules of hide the sausage.

'Between you and me, some of this stuff will have to be burnt. I don't think Charles will be happy, but at least he can put the ashes on the veg patch.

'This is going to cost millions to clean up. I don't reckon that Andrew will deal with the bill. By which I mean the invoice, of course, not the rozzers.'

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