Candidates for new Pope emerge

Leading candidates for the new pope have emerged.

King Charles. The British monarch has a number of plus points - he is experienced being head of a church, he already wears a special hat and he has a balcony. It is understood that his Majesty has offered to add being head of the Catholic Church to being head of the Anglican Church - saving money on salaries and palaces.

Andrew Tate. Nominated by President Trump as someone who could be bigly in setting a moral example. Mr Trump said, "He's a great guy - the son I'd wished I'd had."

Richard Dawkins. Mr Dawkins has proved to have an outstanding knowledge of the bible and has said that he can resolve many of the religious conundrums that have concerned the church for centuries by pointing out that "it's all bollocks".

Cardinal Secola. Although an outstanding candidate, having a "Pope Secola" would feel a bit undignified.

Cardinal Goestheweasel. See above.

Whoopee Goldberg.  Having a black, Jewish, married woman as Pope might be seen as a step too far but Ms Goldberg does have experience in dressing as a nun.

image from pixabay

Fears over King Charles’ health after complaining of a ‘heavy heart’

King Charles’ private cardiologist has advised the monarch to have a battery of tests undertaken after he announced today he has a heavy heart.

It appears the duty footman failed to observe any change in weight when the King was weighed on the royal bathroom scales, and can expect to be mercilessly flogged if the MRI scan the cardiologist has arranged shows up an abnormal enlargement of the heart, however it isn’t yet known when this will be done, as it requires locating an MRI scanner with a blue blood filter, which the NHS has been remiss in purchasing.

Newsbiscuit asked Professor M O delmaker what the prognosis for the King might be if it does turn out he has an abnormally heavy heart, but he was in a silly mood after five pints of Olde and Filthye and just said “Aorta know the answer, and if it comes to me while I’m taking a leak, I’ll tell you.”

image from pixabay

King aghast at Harry’s charity problems

King Charles is reported to be horrified at Harry’s disastrous problems with the Sentabale charity.

Sources report him as saying, ‘This is pretty basic stuff.   Charity work is the third most important thing about being royal.  And he’s making a pig’s ear of it.

‘The first and second most important things about being royal are, number one, smiling.   Closely followed by number two, waving.  Mind you, that lad was only ever adequate at smiling and only satisfactory at waving.

‘He has probably exhausted himself with that smiling and waving, and that’s probably why he’s made such a mess of the charity work.  And it’s with a charity that is closely associated with his mother, for goodness’ sake. That boy is such an idiot.  And I don’t suppose that She Who Must Not Be Named has done anything to help Harry either.  Heavens above.  What a shit show.  Is that the expression?  Not something Mummy ever used to say.

‘And don’t tell anyone I said that.’

Image credit: Wix AI