top of page
Search

King Charles in 'advanced talks' over Haaland problem



King King Charles is said to be making good progress in his bid to get Donald Trump to force.... sorry, request  FIFA  to issue a retrospective red card to Erling Haaland for doing nothing wrong in Norway's world cup round of 16 win over Brazil, thereby making the freak of nature ineligible for the quarter final with England,, 


Citing the special relationship, Charles wasn't making much progress so he then moved on to the next stage, threatening  to ask the relevant people to release the peepee tapes and then stage 3, an accidental release of Unredacted Epstein files in full (and to hell with his ex brother), or maybe a serious car crash.


image from Grok


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


Buck House admits King uses same accountant as Derek Trotter


A representative of King Charles has admitted the monarch uses the same accountancy firm as Peckham entrepreneur Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter.


Accounts show the monarch paid £12.9m in taxes from income largely generated by strong sales of Trevor Francis track suits and discount carpet tiles.


King Charles is thought to be worth around £1.6bn, but annual royal reports reveal that deductions for overheads and expenses reduce his income tax bill to that of someone on income support.


A spokesperson told us that helicopter trips alone cost the Royal Family £733,063 in 2025, although that was offset against the king’s role as environmental ambassador for the UK


Buck House says supplies from a gentleman in Shepherd’s Bush have helped bolster sales across all Royal outlets with sales of David Bowie LPs proving a particular favourite among millennials and vinyl collectors looking for a bargain.


The king’s range of Hooky Street shops is thought to generate profits of £50m alone.


Royal Trustees say that the £11m tax-free gift earmarked to replace old boilers at Windsor Castle was a necessary expense, but assured royal watchers that this would not impact on Queen Camilla’s role as queen consort.



Image: ChatGPT

Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C



Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling.


'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of them as a "flat on their bellies lapping out of the Serpentine" sort of family.'


'It didn't occur to me, either, mused Marvin Welles from Bath. 'I mean, it wasn't that I thought chlorine might cause harm to lizards, it's just that I never thought of Her Majesty doing lengths. Or Charles bombing. Something about them always suggested they wouldn't float too well. I also hadn't considered Buck Pal-on-the-Mall having a gym; it's more an indoor archery longroom sort of place. Maybe a heads of state trophy room. But what would they have done with the bodies? A torsos of state skittle alley?'


Fiona Williams from Wrexham added, 'In my mind, it's lavish room after lavish room of glorious ancestral portraits, and national treasures "voluntarily" gifted from former countries of the Empire. There just wouldn't be the space, even for a paddling pool. Especially after the Nicholas Witchell (Sex) Dungeon of Torture was installed.


Mary Andrews from Falkirk offered, 'I can imagine a royal swimming pool filled with liquid gold. That would need some heating. King Charles might've realised that could be turned down a degree or two.'


H/T Lockjaw



First published 5 Jun 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page