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Prince Andrew to stand back, again


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I have decided to stand back from using certain titles, so henceforth I and the press won't be using 'Randy Andy' anymore. 'His former Royal Highness Randy Andy' is included.


I am also ditching my remaining Royal patronages including Pizza Express. My Royal endorsement for Sure deodorant will remain as a necessity as I have, thankfully,learned how to sweat again.


I will renounce my attendance at Christmas lunch with the King and will be tucking in at the Hungry Horse in Windsor this year, as long as the sponsorship contract arrives.

Trump eats spoon

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From Our Royal Correspondent:


The President caused some embarrassment at the State Banquet by consuming most of the cutlery on display. Rather than point out his mistake, grovelling UK diplomats applauded and fed him napkins.


Mr. Trump further upset protocol by squatting over the soup tureen and taking a dump - which the King heralded as a remarkable defence of free speech. No one batted an eyelid when the President gently mounted Queen Camilla during dessert. Instead Keir Starmer said we were very lucky to have this special relationship. And that he himself would be taking a turn, once the Queen fancied a break.


Rumours circulated that due to a scheduling error, Trump was in fact supposed to attend a chimp's tea party.

In other news, the chimp secured a $1bn trade deal with the US.



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