EXCLUSIVE! Out-take from Charles' visit to The Repair Shop

Jay Blades: Our guest today has an ancient an much loved heirloom. Charles, do tell us about it.

HRH Chuck Three: Well, Jay, it is the British Monarchy. It has been with our family since 1917.

JB: You are talking about the Windsor marque?

HRH: Indeed. It has actually been with the family a lot longer than that, but we rebranded it at that time.

JB: I see. So, why have you brought it in today?

HRH: Well, it's just not running that well. It doesn't keep up with the times and it can make a lot of disturbing noises at the most inappropriate times. We had a new cog fitted in the 80s. The Diana. And that seemed to keep it running well for a while, but then it was damaged and had to be removed. That has had a knock-on effect on some of the smaller parts of the mechanism.

JB: OK, let's have a look. German engineering... aha! I see you have had a Meghan fitted.

HRH: Yes. we thought that it would support the Harry, but it seems to have taken on the driving role for that part of the mechanism.

JB: There's yer problem. It is an an American part. They run OK for a while but then undermine the performance of the whole structure.

HRH: What would you suggest?

JB: I would leave it in for now. Trying to remove it would do more harm than good. It may come away of its own accord given time.

HRH: What about the Andrew?

JB: I think we both know, that has to go. Is there anything else we can help you with?

HRH: Well, we do have have a poorly performing PM. Wherever we put it, it causes turmoil.

JB: Get out!

First published 12 Oct 2022

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Critics give rave reviews to Earl Spencer's 'Mud Sling'

"We're critics on newspaper arts pages," said Philippa Page from the Daily Mule, "So we're past masters at writing hundreds of words of drivel about sod all. But even we're in awe of Charles Spencer's ability to write a whole book based entirely on two pissy little afterthoughts about the Diana saga."

"Spencer has spent years getting paid for churning out bitchy columns for us here at the Torygraph," said fellow critic Ivor Cushy-Job. "So he knows he's onto a winner when he writes that King Charles sounded like a lottery winner after Diana's death and that he said she'd be quickly forgotten. There's no evidence for any of that, but it can't actually be disproved. And Spencer is betting the King will never sue him for libel."

Earl Spencer explained to the BBC last week that he was going to tell the world about this stuff 29 years ago, when it was meant to have happened, but that the allegations were too boring because Charles wasn't king yet.

"That's other reason why Lord Spencer is a brilliant journalist," gushed Philippa Page. "He can rake over the coals of a story three decades on and still make a big pile of dosh out of it."

Spencer's spit-and-tell memoir has been nominated for journalism's prestigious Pulltheotherone Prize. Meanwhile, Britain is divided about who comes out of this episode looking the more despicable: Charles, Earl Spencer or Charles, King of England.

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