Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C

Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling.

'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of them as a "flat on their bellies lapping out of the Serpentine" sort of family.'

'It didn't occur to me, either, mused Marvin Welles from Bath. 'I mean, it wasn't that I thought chlorine might cause harm to lizards, it's just that I never thought of Her Majesty doing lengths. Or Charles bombing. Something about them always suggested they wouldn't float too well. I also hadn't considered Buck Pal-on-the-Mall having a gym; it's more an indoor archery longroom sort of place. Maybe a heads of state trophy room. But what would they have done with the bodies? A torsos of state skittle alley?'

Fiona Williams from Wrexham added, 'In my mind, it's lavish room after lavish room of glorious ancestral portraits, and national treasures "voluntarily" gifted from former countries of the Empire. There just wouldn't be the space, even for a paddling pool. Especially after the Nicholas Witchell (Sex) Dungeon of Torture was installed.

Mary Andrews from Falkirk offered, 'I can imagine a royal swimming pool filled with liquid gold. That would need some heating. King Charles might've realised that could be turned down a degree or two.'

H/T Lockjaw

Image: stablediffusionweb.com

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Three Kings photo: 'Know your place, peasants'

A photograph showing Chuck 3, Wills 5 and G-Dog 7 in bethroned opulence has reminded all non-royal Brits that, fundamentally, they are worthless, boot-licking scum. Forelock tuggers across the land got a quasi-sexual thrill from the snap as they saw enough King to last the UK until the 22nd century.

By this time, the royals will presumably have transferred their consciousness into heavily armed cybernetic "killer" robots to ensure sufficient servility amongst the remaining population.

That this hasn't happened already is the fault of Meghan Markle claim several hysterical tabloids. They insist that Markle personally held a pillow over the face of Lizzo 2: This time it's personal, until she stopped struggling. In reality Lizzo 2 met Lizzo Truss and simply abandoned hope.

Royal enthusiast Warren Wright said 'Why oh why oh why do people complain about having to choose between heating and eating when the monarchy also faces difficult choices: like which golden carriage to ride in, or whether to apologise for slavery or disown a sweaty paedophile. Charles' magnificence alone warms your heart and fills your stomach. He is your King. Know your place, you filthy, disgusting serfs. Kneel. KNEEL!'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst added 'We're now allowed to arrest you if you don't like the monarchy. And we definitely will, because voter ID laws, plus a royalist only electorate could keep the Tories in power until the 22nd century as well - one of BoJo's grandchildren as PM.

image from pixabay

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King Charles III declares Absolute Monarchy at garden centre opening

In his first outing since the coronation, King Charles has declared that Britain will be returning to an absolute monarchy, following the end of Wimbledon. The announcement came as a surprise to reporters who came to cover the King’s opening of a garden centre, in Didcot, England.

In a rambling speech, Charles cited the divine right of Kings to rule and his plants were the only ones he answered to in life. He also launched a new manifesto, including the dissolution of parliament, the restoration of Shakespearean English as the national language, and the destruction of the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. In a sign of a more muscular stance overseas, the manifesto committed to restoring the French and Russian monarchy by any means.

In a bizarre turn Charles ended his speech singing the opening lyrics from 'Don’t Stop Me Now' by Queen, ‘This year, I'm gonna have myself a real good time, I feel alive, and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah, I'm floating around in ecstasy, so, don't stop me now.’

Penelope Orchard, a lifetime royalist who came to see the King said even she was shocked by his speech. ‘At first, I thought maybe it was a prank and that he was doing a video for TikTok, to win over young people.’ Fighting away tears Penelope continued, ‘The King refused to sign a potted Yucca plant I bought, and showed no compassion that I have to work in an office full of Meghan Markle fans.’ Despite the timing of an absolute monarchy launching in the middle of the summer, Penelope stated she was 'committed to doing whatever the King ordered, especially if I could perform a citizen's arrest on Meghan Markle at the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles.'

Other eyewitnesses reported that the cannabis feature at the garden centre, which had to be destroyed due to lack of planning permission and was burnt whilst the King was speaking, may have contributed to the bizarre speech. A friend of the garden centre said they were distraught that the garden centre would forever be known for this speech, and added branded tea towels of King Charles III made out of hemp were now available.

Snap opinion polls show the measure is popular with the public if it means more national holidays. A spokesperson for the King did not respond to questions as to whether Harry would be brought to trial for criticising the royal family, now that King Charles had absolute power, or if David Beckham would receive a Knighthood.

showerthoughts

Image:saelynriel | Pixabay

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