Harry, Meghan and Andrew star in new visitor attraction, Brassic World

In a move that has left Buckingham Palace reeling, Harry and Meghan are teaming up with Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor to launch 'Brassic World', a theme park billed as the ultimate destination for fans of fallen royals.

Inspired by Jurassic World, the attraction will feature carefully contained specimens of disgraced blue bloods, allowed to roam freely in purpose-built habitats.

Visitors can board the 'Exile Express' monorail for a close-up view of Harry and Meghan’s California compound exhibit, complete with Netflix cameras and a live 'Oprah Exclusive' amphitheatre where the animatronic host invites our sympathy with their unfortunate plight of being confined to palaces and red carpet events while wearing fine clothes.

Andrew’s wing promises the 'Pizza Express Alibi Safari', a jungle trek past replica Epstein Island water features and including a thrilling 'Title Stripping Rapids' ride.

The theme park is funded by investors from the failed FIFA World Cup privatisation bid. An early press release claims the venture will 'democratise the monarchy by letting the public gawk at those who fell from The Firm's grace'. However, one critic warned, 'Man shouldn't mess with Royal nature. There's always the risk of escape of a sudden memoir.'

Set near Legoland Windsor (just to rub William and Kate's noses in it), visitors are asked not to feed the exhibits or enquire about security costs.

Image credit: ChatGPT. Looks like Andrew's had some work done.

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

The Andrew Files - what the police have found so far

The Andrew Files

Friday 12th April

Met with Prince Sultan Emir bin-Whatsit as you requested. My God, these girls of his are real camels - couldn't take my eyes off their toes and front humps! Nyuk-nyuk!

Saturday November 3rd

One thing people don't realise about trade envoy work is that it's all in hot countries. I have no natural way of cooling myself, so I need to be sponged down several times a day. And all the spongeuses are from a local school just for this ancient art. Lovely little things who can get in to every one of my crevices. Lucky girls!

Tuesday 22nd August

Damn, Jeff. The bloody Range Rover wouldn't start this morning. The security officer said it was something about 'out of fuel', or empty, or something. Any chance you could get the man from Grosvenor Motors to deliver a new one without this problem? Later this morning would be good.

Wednesday 17th June

Oh, what will I do with Sarah? She's due to go to a polo gathering, and now she tells me she's only got 35 dresses to choose from! Apparently one is a little bit stained, and another one has traces of white dust of some sort, and then ... Really, it's like she only keeps them on for a few minutes before feeling she has to whip them off again.

Monday 2nd December

These damned corgis of Mama's. One of them was getting frisky with my teddy, Mr. Bunnylumps. I soon sent him packing. Had to give one of the peasant servants she keeps employing a right good bollocking about letting dogs in to my chambers. Only certain kinds of bitches there - right!

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/sophieja23-698836/

Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out.

'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike.

'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that. Just my little joke. I expect those curtains are a goner.

'The Royals always favoured fabric wall covering - that's going to be an expensive mistake. Worst of all is that we've found black mould in seven of the bedrooms. You'd expect that on a council estate, but not here. I can't imagine Prince Philip putting up with black mould.

'The worst room was an antechamber, which was used as a TV room. We've cleared out a lot of pizza boxes - I can't tell you which brand, obviously. The grease has penetrated the wing backed sofa, and you wouldn't believe where we found pepperoni and sausage. Someone didn't like it, I reckon, and started throwing it around. Or maybe someone misunderstood the rules of hide the sausage.

'Between you and me, some of this stuff will have to be burnt. I don't think Charles will be happy, but at least he can put the ashes on the veg patch.

'This is going to cost millions to clean up. I don't reckon that Andrew will deal with the bill. By which I mean the invoice, of course, not the rozzers.'

Image credit: perchance.org